FALSTAFF

I won't lend you a penny.

PISTOL

[Drawing his sword] Well, then I'll get money from you by force.

FALSTAFF

Not a penny. I didn't mind that you used my good reputation to get people to lend you money. I bothered my friends until the officials let you and your friend Nym off the hook three times, and if I hadn't, you would have been trapped behind the bars of a prison cell like a pair of monkeys. I damned my soul by swearing to friends of mine that you were good soldiers and brave men, and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I swore on my honor that you hadn't stolen it. 

PISTOL

Didn't you get a share? Didn't I give you fifteen pence for covering for me?

FALSTAFF

And you had a good reason to do that, you scoundrel, you had a good reason. Do you think I'd put my soul in danger for nothing? In short, don't hang around me anymore, don't try to pin any more of your crimes on me. Go away. Find a short knife and a crowd of people! Go to Pickt-hatch! Go. You won't carry a letter to someone for me, you scoundrel! You claim it's because you have so much honor. Why, you unspeakably dishonorable person, even I sometimes have trouble keeping my honor pure. I, I, I myself sometimes, have to put aside my fear of God and sacrifice my honor when it becomes necessary. I have to cheat, use cunning, and steal, and yet you, scoundrel, try to cover up your rags, your wild looks, the words you learn at the tavern, and your brash swearing, by pretending to have honor! I won't allow it!

PISTOL

I give up. What more could you ask of anybody?

ROBIN

Sir, there's a woman here who wants to talk to you.

FALSTAFF

Tell her to come in.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Good day to you.

FALSTAFF

Good day, good wife.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I'm not a wife, if you'll excuse me for saying so.

FALSTAFF

Well, then, you're a good girl.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I swear I am, I'm just like my mother was when I was born. 

FALSTAFF

I believe you. What do you want?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Can I have a word with you?

FALSTAFF

Two thousand words, my good lady, and I'll listen.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

There's a woman named Mistress Ford, sir—Please, come a little further this way—I live with master Doctor Caius—

FALSTAFF

Well, go on. Mistress Ford, you were saying—

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Sir, that's correct. Please, come a little further this way.

FALSTAFF

I promise you, no one can hear us. These men are my own servants, my own servants.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Are they really? God bless them and may they serve God!

FALSTAFF

Well, Mistress Ford, what about her?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Well, sir, she's a good person. Good lord! You are a reckless man! Well, God forgive you and everyone, I pray!

FALSTAFF

Mistress Ford, come on, what about Mistress Ford—

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Well, here's the long and the short of it. You have put her into such a terrible dilemma. The best courtier there was, when the court was here in Windsor, couldn't have put her into such a dilemma. But there used to be knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I'm telling you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift. They all smelled so sweetly, full of perfume, and wrapped, I promise you, in silk and gold, and the letters were written so elegantly and they were so flattering, saying she was the best and the prettiest woman, that any woman would have been won over by letters like that. And I promise you, they could never even get her to look at them: someone offered me twenty gold coins this morning. But I'm not interested in any gold coins at all, except when I can get them honestly—and, I'm telling you, they couldn't even get her to have a drink with the handsomest man in the bunch, and some of them were earls, and even better, gentleman in the royal bodyguard. But, I'm telling you, none of that matters to her. 

FALSTAFF

But what's her response to my offer? Give a short answer, my good female messenger.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Well, she got your letter, and she thanks you a thousand times for it, and she wants me to tell you that her husband will be out of the house between ten and eleven o'clock.

FALSTAFF

Ten and eleven?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Yes, that's right, and then you can come over and do the thing that's on your mind. Master Ford, her husband, will be out of the house. It's too bad! The sweet woman has a very unhappy life with him. He's a very jealous man. She has a very unpleasant life with him, the good lady. 

FALSTAFF

Ten and eleven. Woman, give her my regards. I won't fail to turn up. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Well, that's a nice thing to say. But I have another message for you. Mistress Page sends her best wishes to you too, and let me tell you, she's a virtuous and well-behaved, chaste wife, and, I tell you, she's not someone who will miss morning or evening prayer, not more than anyone else in Windsor, anyone at all. And she told me to tell you that her husband isn't out of the house very often, but she hopes there will be a time when he's away. I never knew a woman who was so fond of a man. I think you must be really charming, yes, really. 

FALSTAFF

Not me, I promise you. If you ignore my sexual prowess, I don't have any other good qualities. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Bless your heart for that!

FALSTAFF

But, please, tell me this: have Ford's wife and Page's wife told each other that they love me? 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

That would really be a good joke! They don't have such bad manners, I hope. That would be quite a joke! But Mistress Page would like you to send her your young servant, for the sake of your love for her. Her husband has a great affection for the young servant, and Master Page is certainly a good man. No woman in Windsor leads a better life than she does. She can do what she likes, say what she likes, have what she likes, go to bed when she likes, get up when she likes, everything is the way she likes; and she deserves it, because there isn't a kinder woman in Windsor. You must send her your servant, there's no way out of it. 

FALSTAFF

Well, I will. 

MISTRESS QUICKLY

No, but really do it, and, you see, he can come and go between you both, and he can carry codewords back and forth, so that you can communicate with each other, and the boy won't know what's going on, because it isn't good for children to know about bad behavior. Older people, you know, have good judgment, people say, and know what the world is like. 

FALSTAFF

Goodbye. Send my regards to both of them. Here's some money, I'm in your debt. Boy, go with this woman.

FALSTAFF

This news is bewildering!

PISTOL

This whore carries messages of love. Set the sail, chase her, get ready for battle, arm yourselves: may we lose everything if I don't catch her!

FALSTAFF

[To himself] What do you think about all this, old Jack? Go ahead with it. I'll make better use of my old body than I've done in the past. Will these women take care of you? After spending so much money, will you make a profit now? Handsome body, I thank you. People might say it's a dishonorable thing to do. I don't care, as long as it's successful. 

BARDOLPH

Sir John, there's a man named Master Brook downstairs who would like to meet you and talk to you, and he's sent you a drink of Spanish wine.

FALSTAFF

His name is Brook?

BARDOLPH

Yes, sir.

FALSTAFF

Call him in.

FALSTAFF

[To himself] Anyone who buys me liquor is welcome. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I won you over? Go, go!

FORD

I wish you well, sir!

FALSTAFF

And you, sir! You want to talk to me?

FORD

I know I'm being forward, to force myself on you without giving you any prior notice.

FALSTAFF

You're welcome to talk to me. What do you want? Leave us alone, servant.

FORD

Sir, I'm a man who has spent a lot of money. My name is Brook.

FALSTAFF

Good Master Brook, I'd like to get to know you better.

FORD

Good Sir John, I'd like to get to know you better—not to ask you for money, because you should know that I think I'm in a better position to lend money than you are. But this makes me feel comfortable approaching you without warning, for, as people say, if you offer people money, no one will turn you away.

FALSTAFF

Money is very good at persuading people. 

FORD

True, and I have a bag of money here that's a lot of trouble to carry around. If you'll help me carry it, Sir John, I'll give you all of it, or half of it, as a reward for taking this heavy burden off my hands.

FALSTAFF

Sir, I don't know why you would give me money.

FORD

I'll tell you, sir, if you'll listen to me.

FALSTAFF

Tell me, Master Brook. I'll be glad to do something for you.

FORD

Sir, I hear you are an educated person—I'll come to the point quickly—I've known about you for a long time, although I've never had such a good chance as I wanted to meet you. I'm going to tell you something that will make me look like a very flawed person—but, good Sir John, even as you're hearing about my faults, as I'm telling you about them, please think about your own faults also, so you'll be more likely to excuse my faults, since you know yourself that it's easy to have them. 

FALSTAFF

Okay, then, go on. 

FORD

There's a gentlewoman in this town. Her husband's name is Ford. 

FALSTAFF

Go on, sir.

FORD

I have been in love with her for a long time, and, I'm telling you, I've given her a lot of money. I've been very attentive to her, I've tried to find a lot of opportunities to meet her, and taken advantage of every opportunity to get even a brief glimpse of her. Not only have I bought her many presents, I've given presents to a lot of other people so they would tell me what gifts she would like. In short, I've chased her just like love has chased me—constantly. But whatever I've deserved from her, thanks either to my feelings or my gifts, she hasn't given me anything in return—unless it's the gift of learning from experience, which I've purchased at a huge cost, and the lesson is this: "the beloved runs away when the lover chases her; love chases what runs away from it, and it runs away from what chases it."

FALSTAFF

She hasn't promised to satisfy you?

FORD

Never.

FALSTAFF

Have you asked her to?

FORD

Never.

FALSTAFF

What kind of love do you have for her, then?

FORD

It's love for someone who already belongs to someone else. So I've wasted all my time trying to get something that wasn't available. 

FALSTAFF

Why are you telling me all this?

FORD

When I answer that question, then I've told you everything. Some people say that even though she seems chaste to me, she's so flirtatious with other men that some people have strong suspicions about her fidelity. Now, Sir John, here's the thing I really want: you're a gentleman with very good manners, you speak well, you mix with people in the highest social circles, you have authority because of your status and your appearance, and everyone agrees that you have a lot of accomplishments, in war, at court, and in your studies. 

FALSTAFF

O, sir!

FORD

Believe me, because you know it's true. [He hands FALSTAFF money] Here's some money; spend it, spend it, spend more than that, spend all the money I have In exchange, I want you to try and overcome Mistress Ford's chastity. Use your skills in seducing women. Get her to agree to have an affair with you. If any one can do it, you can. 

FALSTAFF

Given that you love her so much, would it do you any good if I won the woman that you want for yourself? I think you're making an absurd request. 

FORD

Oh, pay attention to my plan. She's so confident that she's perfectly chaste that I don't dare to approach her. She's too pure for me to get near her. Now, if I could go to her and accuse her of having had an affair, then I would have a better argument for why she should give in to my desires, too—then I could convince her to stop caring about her purity, her reputation, her marriage vow, and all the other things that prevent her from giving in to me and that block me so effectively right now. What do you say to that plan, Sir John?

FALSTAFF

Master Brook, first, I will freely take your money; then, give me your hand; [They shake hands] and finally, I promise, as a gentleman, that you will get to sleep with Ford's wife if you so desire.

FORD

Oh, good sir!

FALSTAFF

I'm telling you, you will. 

FORD

You won't be short of money, Sir John, you'll have all the money you want.

FALSTAFF

You won't be short of Mistress Ford, you'll have her. I'm going to meet her, in fact, because she has actually asked me to come and see her—just before you came in to see me, her messenger left my room. I will see her between ten and eleven, because at that time, her jealous scoundrel of a husband won't be at home. Come see me tonight and I'll tell you how things went. 

FORD

I'm very lucky to have met you. Do you know Ford, sir?

FALSTAFF

I don't give a damn about him, that poor lowlife cuckold! I don't know him, but I shouldn't call him poor. People say that that jealous willing cuckold has tons of money, which is why I find his wife attractive. I'll use her to get access to that foolish scoundrel's money, and that will be a huge profit to me. 

FORD

I wish you knew Ford, sir, so that if you saw him, you could avoid him.

FALSTAFF

I don't give a damn about him, that cheap, lower-class scoundrel! I'll stare him down until he's scared out of his wits. I'll frighten him with my club—it will be a bad omen for that cuckold. Master Brook, I will defeat this lower-class man, and you will sleep with his wife. Come see me tonight. Ford's a lowlife, and I'll make it so that you can call him worse names than that. You, Master Brook, will learn that he's a lowlife and a cuckold. Come see me tonight.  

FORD

What a damned, pleasure-seeking scoundrel this man is! I'm ready to burst with anger. Who says that I have no reason to be jealous? My wife asked him to come see her: they picked a time; they made an appointment. Would any man have thought this would happen? It's so terrible to have an unfaithful wife! She will sleep with another man, she will steal my money, she will ruin my reputation, and not only will she do all these terrible things to me, but I'm also being called terrible names by the man who's ruining me. Names! Names! Amaimon is a good name; Lucifer is another good name; Barbason is another good name; and they are all devils' names, the names of demons. But cuckold! willing cuckold!—Cuckold! Even the devil doesn't have such a bad name as that. Page is a fool, an overconfident fool. He trusts his wife, he won't be jealous. I'd rather trust a Flemish person not to eat my butter, or Parson Hugh the Welshman not to eat my cheese, or an Irishman not to drink my liquor, or a thief not to steal my horse, than to trust my wife to behave herself when she's unsupervised. When she's alone, she plots, she thinks, then she comes up with a plan, and women will carry out the plans they come up with. Even if it means doing themselves a lot of harm, they'll still carry out their plans. Thank God I'm a jealous man! They're meeting at eleven o'clock. I'll stop this, I'll expose my wife, get revenge on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I'll get to work. It would be better to be three hours too early than a minute too late. Ugh, ugh, ugh! Cuckold! Cuckold! Cuckold!