SHALLOW

Sir Hugh, don't try to talk me out of it. I will take the case to the highest court in the land: if Sir John Falstaff had twenty times as much social status, I wouldn't let him abuse me, Robert Shallow, esquire.

SLENDER

You, who are a justice of the peace in the county of Gloucester, and a judge with authority to try criminals. 

SHALLOW

Yes, nephew Slender, and I'm also the principal judge in the county.

SLENDER

Yes, the principal judge.

[To SIR HUGH EVANS] And he was born a gentleman, Master Parson. He signs his name "Esquire," whenever he signs an indictment, a warrant for arrest, a discharge from debt, or a contract, he signs "Esquire." 

SHALLOW

Yes, I do, and my family has done the same thing for the last three hundred years. 

SLENDER

All his descendants before him have signed their name that way, and all his ancestors who come after him can do the same thing. They can bear the coat of arms that has the twelve white pikes.

SHALLOW

It is an old coat of arms. 

SIR HUGH EVANS

The twelve white pikes look very appropriate on an old coat of arms. They look extremely fitting. The pike is an animal that humans are well acquainted with, and it symbolizes love.

SHALLOW

The pike is a fresh-water fish. An old cod lives in salt water.

SLENDER

I might divide my coat of arms into four pieces, cousin. 

SHALLOW

You might, if you get married. 

SIR HUGH EVANS

He will definitely mar his coat, if he cuts it up into four pieces. 

SHALLOW

Not at all. 

SIR HUGH EVANS

Yes, I'm telling you. If he has a quarter of your coat, then there's only three quarters left for you, in my opinion, but it doesn't matter. If Sir John Falstaff has mistreated you, I'll be glad to act as a friendly intermediary to help make things right between you, since I work for the church. 

SHALLOW

The council will hear about it. It's a disturbance of the peace. 

SIR HUGH EVANS

It isn't appropriate for the church council to witness a disturbance of the peace. There's no fear of God in disturbing the peace. The council, I'm telling you, wants to see people fearing God, not disturbing the peace. I'm giving you fair warning. 

SHALLOW

Ha! I swear, if I were young again, I'd use a sword to end this dispute.

SIR HUGH EVANS

It is better to end disputes through friends, not through violence—and I have another idea in my mind, which might perhaps be a sensible one. You know Anne Page, daughter of Master Thomas Page, who is a pretty young woman. 

SLENDER

Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and a high voice like most women do. 

SIR HUGH EVANS

That's the very person I'm talking about. Her grandfather left her seven hundred pounds in cash, and gold and silver, on his death-bed—may God give him a joyful resurrection—which Anne will be able to take possession of when she turns seventeen. It would be a good idea if we stopped bickering and planned a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.

SLENDER

Did her grandfather leave her seven hundred pounds?

SIR HUGH EVANS

Yes, and her father is going to give her a lot more.

SLENDER

I know the young gentlewoman. She has good qualities. 

SIR HUGH EVANS

Seven hundred pounds and the possibility of getting more money are good qualities. 

SHALLOW

Well, let's go see good Master Page. Is Falstaff there?

SIR HUGH EVANS

Will I lie to you? I hate liars as much as I hate people who say false things, or people who aren't honest. The knight, Sir John, is there—and I'm asking you, please listen to the people who are trying to help you. I will knock on Master Page's door. 

SIR HUGH EVANS

Hello, there! God bless your house!

PAGE

[Offstage] Who's there?

SIR HUGH EVANS

Here's your friend the parson, and Justice Shallow, and here's young Master Slender, who perhaps might discuss something with you, if you like the sound of it. 

PAGE

I'm glad to see you honorable gentlemen are doing well. Thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.

SHALLOW

Master Page, I'm glad to see you, and I hope you enjoyed it! I wish your venison had tasted better, but the deer wasn't killed very skillfully. How is Mistress Page doing? And I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

PAGE

Sir, I thank you.

SHALLOW

Sir, I thank you. I promise, I do. 

PAGE

I'm glad to see you, good Master Slender.

SLENDER

How is your light brown greyhound, sir? I heard that he lost the race at the Cotswold hills.

PAGE

The race couldn't be decided, sir. 

SLENDER

You won't admit he lost, you won't admit it. 

SHALLOW

[To SLENDER] No, he won't. You're in the wrong, you're in the wrong. 

[To PAGE] It's a good dog.

PAGE

He's a low-bred dog, sir.

SHALLOW

Sir, he's a good dog, and a handsome dog. What more could you want? He's good and handsome. Is Sir John Falstaff here? 

PAGE

Sir, he's inside, and I wish I could do something helpful to mediate between you.

SIR HUGH EVANS

Spoken like a Christian. 

SHALLOW

He has mistreated me, Master Page. 

PAGE

Sir, he does sort of admit it. 

SHALLOW

If he has admitted it, he hasn't made up for it. Isn't that true, Master Page? He has mistreated me, really he has, in short, he has, believe me. Robert Shallow, esquire, says he has been mistreated. 

PAGE

Here comes Sir John.

FALSTAFF

Now, Master Shallow, you're going to complain to the king about me?

SHALLOW

Knight, you have beat up my servants, killed my deer, and broken into my gamekeeper's lodge.

FALSTAFF

But I didn't kiss your gamekeeper's daughter? 

SHALLOW

Ha, what nonsense! You'll answer for what you've done.

FALSTAFF

I'll answer right away: I did do all that. Now I've answered you. 

SHALLOW

The court will know about this. 

FALSTAFF

It would be better for you if no one knew about this. People will laugh at you.

SIR HUGH EVANS

A few good words, Sir John, good words.

FALSTAFF

Good words! Good cabbage. Slender, I hit you on the head. What is your complaint about me?

SLENDER

Well, sir, I do have a complaint in mind about you, and about your cheating scoundrels, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. 

BARDOLPH

You thin slice of cheese!

SLENDER

Well, it doesn't matter. 

PISTOL

What's this, you devil?

SLENDER

I said, it doesn't matter.

NYM

Slice, I say! Fewer words, fewer words: slice! That's my mood.

SLENDER

Where's Simple, my servant? Do you know, cousin? 

SIR HUGH EVANS

Be quiet, please. Now let's get this straight. There are three judges about this dispute, as I take it. There's Master Page, that is to say, Master Page; and there's myself, that is to say, myself; and the third judge is, last and finally, the host of the Garter Inn.

PAGE

The three of us will hear the case and put an end to this dispute between them. 

SIR HUGH EVANS

Very good. I'll write up a summary of it in my notebook, and we'll work on this case later as sensibly as we can. 

FALSTAFF

Pistol!

PISTOL

I hear you with my ears.

SIR HUGH EVANS

The devil and his mother! What kind of language is that, "He hears you with his ears?" That is so pretentious. 

FALSTAFF

Pistol, did you steal from Master Slender's wallet? 

SLENDER

Yes, I swear by these gloves, he did, and if he didn't, I'll never enter my own bedroom again. He stole seven four-penny coins, new coins, and two old shillings, that cost me two shillings and two pennies each from Yead Miller, I swear by these gloves.

FALSTAFF

Is this true, Pistol? 

SIR HUGH EVANS

No, Pistol isn't a true man, if he's a pick-pocket. 

PISTOL

Ha, you foreigner from the mountains! Sir John, my master, I challenge this skinny coward to a duel. Try to say no to me! Try to say no, you piece of scum, you lie! 

SLENDER

I swear by these gloves, it was him. 

NYM

Be careful, sir, and behave properly. I'll tell you to get lost if you start acting like a policeman and accusing me of crimes—that's a fact. 

SLENDER

I swear by my hat, the one with the red face [Pointing to BARDOLPH] had my purse. Even though I can't remember what I did when you got me drunk, still, I'm not a complete fool. 

FALSTAFF

What do you have to say to that, you red-faced man?

BARDOLPH

Well, sir, speaking for myself, I can tell you that the man got so drunk that he lost the use of his five sentences. 

SIR HUGH EVANS

It's five senses. My goodness, how stupid he is! 

BARDOLPH

And since he was drunk, sir, he was kicked out of the tavern, and that's how things got out of hand.

SLENDER

Yes, your language was incomprehensible then, too, but it doesn't matter. I'll never get drunk again as long as I live except with people who are honest and well-behaved, because of this trick. If I get drunk, I'll get drunk with people who are God-fearing, and not with drunken scoundrels. 

SIR HUGH EVANS

By God, he is a virtuous person. 

FALSTAFF

You see that they deny all these accusations, gentlemen, you see. 

PAGE

No, daughter, carry the wine inside, we'll drink inside.

SLENDER

Oh heaven! That's Mistress Anne Page.

PAGE

How are you, Mistress Ford?

FALSTAFF

Mistress Ford, I declare, it's very good to see you. Let me do this with your permission, good lady.

PAGE

Wife, tell these gentlemen that they are welcome here. Come on, we have a hot meat pie for dinner: come on, gentlemen, I hope we'll forget all this unpleasantness over drinks. 

SLENDER

I'd give forty shillings to have my Book of Songs and Sonnets with me. 

SLENDER

Hello there, Simple! Where have you been? I should be my own servant, is that it? You don't have the Book of Riddles with you, do you?

SIMPLE

Book of Riddles! Why, didn't you lend it to Alice Shortcake last All Saint's Day, fourteen days before Michaelmas?

SHALLOW

Come on, cousin, come on, cousin, we're waiting for you. Let me have a word with you, cousin. Well, it's like this, cousin: Sir Hugh is going to make an indirect proposal, a proposal of some kind. Do you understand what I'm saying? 

SLENDER

Yes, sir, you'll see that I'll behave reasonably. If the proposal is reasonable, I'll be reasonable too. 

SHALLOW

No, try to understand what I'm saying.

SLENDER

I do, sir.

SIR HUGH EVANS

Listen to his idea, Master Slender. I'll describe what's going on to you, if you're capable of understanding it. 

SLENDER

No, really, I'll do what my cousin Shallow tells me to do, please, excuse me. Even though I'm foolish, I do know that he's a judge in this county.

SIR HUGH EVANS

But that's not what we're talking about: we're talking about your marriage. 

SHALLOW

Yes, that's the idea, sir. 

SIR HUGH EVANS

Indeed, it is, that's exactly it, to Mistress Anne Page.

SLENDER

Why, if that's it, I'll marry her if the proposal is reasonable. 

SIR HUGH EVANS

But can you love the woman? Tell us that with your own mouth or lips, for many thinkers say that the lips are part of the mouth. So, to be clear, can you have affection for the young woman? 

SHALLOW

Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her? 

SLENDER

I hope, sir, that I'll do anything that a reasonable person would do. 

SIR HUGH EVANS

No, by God! You must give a positive answer, about whether you can have love for her. 

SHALLOW

Yes, you must. Will you marry her, if her father gives her a good dowry?

SLENDER

I'll do a bigger thing than that, if you ask me to, uncle, if it's reasonable. 

SHALLOW

No, try to understand me, understand me, good nephew. I'm doing this for your own good, nephew. Can you love the young woman? 

SLENDER

I will marry her, sir, if you ask me to. But if we don't love each other very much at first, still, God may increase our love as we spend more time together, when we are married and have more of a chance to get to know one another. I hope that spending time together will make us more content: but if you say, 'Marry her,' I will marry her. I'm determined to do that, and resolutely.

SIR HUGH EVANS

That's a very sensible answer, except for your mistake in using the word "dissolutely." The word is, the way we use it, "resolutely." That's the word you want. 

SHALLOW

Yes, I think that's what my cousin meant.

SLENDER

Yes, or hang me! 

SHALLOW

Here comes pretty Mistress Anne.

SHALLOW

I wish I were a young man so that you might find me attractive, Mistress Anne!

ANNE PAGE

Dinner's on the table, and my father would like you good gentlemen to join him. 

SHALLOW

I'll be there, fair Mistress Anne. 

SIR HUGH EVANS

God bless me! I don't want to miss grace.

ANNE PAGE

Will you come inside, good sir?

SLENDER

No, thank you, really, truly, I'm just fine. 

ANNE PAGE

They're waiting for you to start dinner, sir.

SLENDER

I'm not hungry, thanks, truly.

[To SIMPLE] Go, young man, even though you're my servant, I want you to serve my cousin Shallow.

SLENDER

A judge can sometimes owe his friend for letting him borrow his servant. I employ only three adult male servants and one young male servant, and I will until my mother dies, but what does that matter? I still live like a someone who was born a gentleman.

ANNE PAGE

I can't go in without you, sir. They won't sit down to dinner until you come in.

SLENDER

Really, I won't eat anything. I thank you as much as if I were going to eat.

ANNE PAGE

Please, sir, come in. 

SLENDER

I'd rather walk outside, thank you. I bruised my shin the other day when I was practicing sword-fighting with a fencing teacher. We played three rounds and the winner got a dish of stewed prunes, and, I'm telling you, I haven't been able to stand the smell of hot food since then. Why do your dogs bark so much? Are there bears in the town?

ANNE PAGE

I think so, sir. I've heard people talk about them. 

SLENDER

I love bear-baiting, but I'll object to it as soon as any other person in England. You're scared if you see a bear walking around, aren't you?

ANNE PAGE

Yes, indeed, sir. 

SLENDER

That's a perfectly ordinary thing for me. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and I've grabbed him by the chain. But, let me tell you, women cried and shrieked so much at the bear, it was unbelievable. But you know, women can't stand bears—they're very ugly, brutal animals. 

PAGE

Come on, good Master Slender, come on. We're waiting for you.

SLENDER

I won't eat anything, thank you, sir.

PAGE

I swear, you must, sir! Come in, come in. 

SLENDER

No, please, you go first.

PAGE

Come on, sir.

SLENDER

Mistress Anne, you should go first.

ANNE PAGE

Not me, sir, please, keep moving. 

SLENDER

I'd rather be rude than cause trouble. You're not being fair to yourself, really!