How to Win Friends and Influence People

One evening, when Carnegie attended a banquet to honor a World War I hero, he was sitting next to a gentleman whose humorous story hinged on a famous quotation. He held that the quotation was from the Bible, but Carnegie corrected him, explaining that it was actually from Shakespeare. Later, on the way home, a colleague of Carnegie’s told him that he shouldn’t have corrected the man, because it just embarrassed him.

Carnegie spent his childhood arguing, but as he has grown up, he’s come to believe that there is only one way to win an argument—and that is to avoid it entirely. If you win an argument, you are still losing it, because the other person will be resentful and feel inferior. Carnegie also cites the maxim, “a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”

One of Carnegie’s students, Patrick J. O’Haire, tried without success to sell trucks—he was too argumentative. But he changed tack: if someone told him that another company’s truck was the best, O’Haire agreed. But then, he moved on and gave the good points of his company’s truck. The other person couldn’t argue anymore, and they were able to move forward. Winning an argument is an empty victory because it never gets your opponent’s good will.

Frederick S. Parsons, an income tax consultant, argued for an hour with a government tax inspector over $9,000 in taxes—Parsons claimed it was a bad debt that shouldn’t be taxed. But Parsons saw that the more he argued, the more stubborn the man became. So, he changed the subject and instead expressed appreciation for how well the man did his job. The man gradually became friendly, and three days later, he informed Parsons that he was going to leave the tax return as it was filed. Initially, the inspector got importance from asserting his authority—but as soon as he felt important, he became sympathetic.

An article from Bits and Pieces makes some suggestions on how to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument. First, welcome the disagreement, as this allows people to correct mistakes. Next, watch out for defensiveness and control your temper. Listen first and look for areas of agreement; be honest and admit mistakes; and promise to think over opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. Thank your opponents for their willingness to disagree and have a discussion. Then, postpone action to give both sides time to think through a problem, so that people can consider if their opponents might be right. Yelling in arguments only cuts off communication and makes people argue even more.