How to Win Friends and Influence People

The dog is the “greatest winner of friends” that the world has ever known. They wag their tails and show how much they like you, and as a result, they easily win people over. Carnegie explains that dogs know by instinct what people need to learn: it is much easier to make friends by becoming interested in other people than it is by getting people interested in you.

People are generally more interested in themselves than others: for example, “I” is the most common word in conversation, and people always look for themselves in photos first. Thus, trying to impress others and make oneself interesting will never garner many true friends—it is better to be interested in other people.

Carnegie once took a short story course, wherein the professor—a leading magazine editor—said that if an author doesn’t like people, people won’t like their stories. You have to be interested in people to be a successful writer, and Carnegie knows the same is true when dealing with people face-to-face. So did Howard Thurston, the famous magician who before every show said “I love my audience” over and over before stepping out from behind the curtain. Where other magicians might think of the audience as suckers that they can trick, Thurston told Carnegie that he is grateful to people for making it possible for him to make his living as a magician. This is why he vows to give them the best show he can.

Being interested in others can also grant opportunities, like it did for George Dyke, who retired from his service station business and took up the fiddle. After attending many local concerts and getting to know the musicians, he gained a reputation as a fiddler and was able to come out of retirement to do what he loved: music. Teddy Roosevelt was also interested in others—he greeted all the White House servants by name and made it a point to know facts about them. As a result, he was well-loved by all of his staff.

Carnegie’s student Edward M. Sykes also found advantage in being interested in others. He was a sales representative for Johnson and Johnson, and one of his clients, a drugstore in Massachusetts, was debating whether to continue buying Johnson and Johnson products. But the soda clerk and salesclerk told the owner that Sykes always took time to chat with them, whereas other salespeople never did—if anyone deserved their business, it was Sykes. And so, the drugstore kept buying the products.

Carnegie experienced this himself—whenever he is teaching and wants prominent guests to come in and give lectures, he has the students write about how much they admire the person’s work and how they are deeply interested in getting the person’s advice—which often persuades them to give lectures. All people, he writes, like people who admire them.

Carnegie states that to make friends, people have to put themselves out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, and thoughtfulness. For years, Carnegie has made it a point to find out his friends’ birthdays and write them down in his calendar. When he sends a telegram or letter, people appreciate this immensely, as he is often the only person who remembers.

Showing genuine interest in others not only wins friends—it may also develop loyalty to a person’s company. When employees remember details about their clients, the clients are much more likely to stay with the same business.

In one example, Charles Walters, who worked at one of New York’s largest banks, was asked to prepare a confidential report of a certain corporation. He met with the corporation’s president, who was vague about the company, giving Walters no information. But during the visit, Walters learned that the man’s 12-year-old son collected stamps. When he returned the next day with stamps for the boy, the president was so excited and grateful that he divulged everything Walters wanted to know.

In another example, Carnegie’s student C.M. Knaphle was trying to sell fuel to a large chain store for years, but they instead purchased fuel from an out-of-town dealer. Knaphle cursed the chain store to Carnegie, who suggested that they set up a debate about the merit of chain stores in the class. Having to defend the chain store, Knaphle asked to meet with an executive of the chain store that he hated. At the meeting, Knaphle asked why the man thought chain stores were positive for the country. The man was excited to talk about the subject, and at the end he also offered to buy Knaphle’s fuel—Knaphle made more headway in two hours by becoming genuinely interested in the executive than he made in 10 years trying to talk about the product.

It’s important that interest in other people is sincere. Carnegie’s student Martin Ginsberg discusses how he underwent major orthopedic surgery at 10 years old. The day before surgery (which happened to be Thanksgiving), his mother was unable to visit, and his father was dead. He was overwhelmed with loneliness and despair. A young nurse heard his sobbing and told him that she was lonely as well, as she had to work on Thanksgiving. She brought in dinner for the two of them and kept him company until 11 p.m. Ginsberg carries that memory with him through every Thanksgiving, appreciating the stranger’s kindness.