LEONATO

Wasn't Don John here at dinner?

ANTONIO

I didn't see him.

BEATRICE

That gentleman always looks so sour! I can't ever see him without getting heartburn afterwards.

HERO

He does have a very sad disposition.

BEATRICE

A man would be excellent if he were halfway between Don John and Benedick. One of them is like a statue, saying nothing, and the other is like a spoiled child, always babbling on.

LEONATO

Then you could put half of Sir Benedick's chatter in Don John's mouth, and put half of Don John's gloominess in Sir Benedick's face—

BEATRICE

And if he also had handsome legs and a full wallet, such a man could have any woman in the world, if he could win over her good will, uncle.

LEONATO

Niece, I swear you'll never get a husband if you keep such a sharp tongue in your mouth.

ANTONIO

Honestly, she's too mean.

BEATRICE

Too mean is better than just mean. In that respect, I'll escape God's punishment, for as the old proverb says: "God gives a mean cow short horns," so she can't cause as much damage. But he doesn't do anything to a cow that is too ill-tempered.

LEONATO

So by being too mean, God won't send you horns?

BEATRICE

Exactly, and if he won't send me horns then he won't send me a husband, for any husband of mine would be sure to grow cuckold's horns. And I thank God every morning and evening for sending me no husband. Lord, I couldn't stand a husband with a beard on his face! I'd rather sleep under scratchy wool blankets.

LEONATO

You might find a husband without a beard.

BEATRICE

And what would I do with him? Dress him up in my clothes and make him my serving woman? If he has a beard, he's more than a youth. And if he has no beard, he's less than a man. If he's older than a handsome youth, then he's not for me. But if he's less than a man, then he wouldn't be able to handle me. Therefore, I bet that I'll die an old maid, and lead apes and bears in hell, as they say unmarried women will.

LEONATO

Well then, does that mean you'll go to hell?

BEATRICE

No, just to its gates. There the devil will meet me, looking like an old cuckold with horns on his head, and say, "Go off to heaven, Beatrice, go off to heaven. Hell is no place for virgins." So, I'll leave my apes behind and fly up to Saint Peter at heaven's gates. Then he'll show me the part of heaven where the unmarried people live, and we'll all live together happily ever after.

ANTONIO

[To HERO] Well, niece, I trust that you at least will always defer to your father.

BEATRICE

Yes, of course, it's my cousin's duty to curtsy and say, "Father, I'll do whatever pleases you." But despite all that, cousin, if your father doesn't pick a handsome husband for you, you should curtsy again and say, "Father, I'll do whatever pleases me."

LEONATO

[To HERO] Well, niece, I hope to see you with a husband one day.

BEATRICE

Not until God starts making men out of something other than dirt. Shouldn't it make a woman grieve, being ordered about by some brave clump of dust? Linking her life forever to a wandering piece of clay? No, uncle, I would rather not have a husband. All of Adam's descendants are my relatives, and I truly believe that marriage between relatives is a sin.

LEONATO

[To HERO] Daughter, remember what I told you. If the Prince asks you about marriage, you know how to answer him.

BEATRICE

Cousin, if he doesn't court you properly and appropriately, the fault will be in his timing. If he presses you too hard, tell him that everything has its proper rhythm, and romance is like a dance. Listen, Hero, the three stages of romance are like three dances. The initial courtship is hot and hasty like a Scottish jig, and just as full of fantasy. Then the wedding is a slower, more solemn dance, full of dignity and tradition. And then comes the stage where you regret your marriage, and this stage is like the lively cinquepace dance, which keeps getting faster and faster until you fall into your grave.

LEONATO

Niece, you see things with unusual perceptiveness.

BEATRICE

I have a good eye, uncle. I can see obvious things in broad daylight.

LEONATO

The partygoers are coming in, brother. Give them room.

DON PEDRO

[To HERO] My lady, will you dance with me for a while?

HERO

As long as you move gently, look handsome, and say nothing, I'm yours for the dance, and especially when I dance away.

DON PEDRO

Will I be in your company then?

HERO

I'll tell you when I decide.

DON PEDRO

And when will you decide?

HERO

When I like your actual appearance, for God forbid that your face should look like your mask.

DON PEDRO

My mask is like the roof of Philemon's cottage—it looks humble on the outside, but the great god Jove is beneath it.

HERO

Why, then your mask should be thatched like a roof.

DON PEDRO

Speak softly if you'll speak about love.

BALTHASAR

Well, I wish that you liked me.

MARGARET

For your sake, I don't wish it. Because I have many bad qualities.

BALTHASAR

Name one.

MARGARET

I say my prayers aloud.

BALTHASAR

I love you even more for that. Whoever hears you praying can then cry, "Amen."

MARGARET

May God pair me with a good dancer!

BALTHASAR

Amen. Here I am.

MARGARET

And may God take him away from me when the dance is done! Now say "amen," preacher.

BALTHASAR

No more words from me. I have my answer.

URSULA

I know you well enough. You are Sir Antonio.

ANTONIO

In short, I am not.

URSULA

I recognize you by the way you move your head.

ANTONIO

To be honest, I'm only imitating Antonio.

URSULA

You could never imitate his bad qualities so well unless you were the man himself. See, you have his dry, aging hands exactly. You are he, you are he.

ANTONIO

In short, I am not.

URSULA

Come, come, do you think I can't recognize you by the excellent wit of your answers? Can virtue hide itself? Be quiet, for you are Antonio. Nobility will always make itself known, and there's nothing more to be said.

BEATRICE

Won't you tell me who said that?

BENEDICK

No, you'll have to pardon me.

BEATRICE

And you won't tell me who you are either?

BENEDICK

Not now.

BEATRICE

To think, someone said that I was scornful, and that I got my wit from an old joke book! Well, it must have been Sir Benedick who said that.

BENEDICK

Who's he?

BEATRICE

I'm sure you know him well enough.

BENEDICK

I don't, believe me.

BEATRICE

Didn't he ever make you laugh?

BENEDICK

Please tell me, who is he?

BEATRICE

Why, he's the Prince's jester—a very stupid fool, whose only gift is coming up with outrageous insults. Only immoral rascals enjoy his company, and they don't like his wit, but only his rudeness. He both pleases and angers people; they laugh at him and then beat him up. I'm sure he's in that army of dancers out there. I wish he had been brave enough to approach me for a battle.

BENEDICK

When I meet the gentleman, I'll tell him what you've said.

BEATRICE

Do that. He'll make a joke by comparing me to something insulting, and if no one pays attention to him or laughs, he'll get depressed. And that will save a partridge wing from being eaten, for the fool will be too unhappy to eat any dinner.

We must follow the leaders of the dance.

BENEDICK

We should follow them in every good thing.

BEATRICE

No, if they lead us the wrong way, I'll leave them at the next song.

DON JOHN

[To BORACHIO] My brother is surely in love with Hero, and has now taken her father aside to ask him about marrying her. The ladies have all followed Hero, but one masked man remains.

BORACHIO

And that is Claudio. I recognize him by his posture.

DON JOHN

[To CLAUDIO] Aren't you Sir Benedick?

CLAUDIO

You know me well. I am Benedick.

DON JOHN

Sir, you are a close friend of my brother's. He is in love with Hero. Please, convince him to change his mind. Her social rank is so low that it would be inappropriate for him to marry her. You would be an honorable man if you did this for me.

CLAUDIO

How do you know he loves her?

DON JOHN

I heard him swear it.

BORACHIO

I did too, and he swore he would marry her tonight.

DON JOHN

Come, let's go to the banquet.

CLAUDIO

[Taking off his mask] I answered to Benedick's name, but I heard this bad news with Claudio's ears. So it's true: the Prince wants Hero for himself. Friendship is loyal in all things except for the business of love. Therefore all lovers should speak only for themselves. Let everyone do their own courting, and not trust any middle-men. Beauty is a witch whose spells melt honor into passion. This is something that happens all the time, but I never expected it to happen to me. Farewell then, Hero.

BENEDICK

Count Claudio?

CLAUDIO

Yes, that's me.

BENEDICK

Will you come with me?

CLAUDIO

Where?

BENEDICK

Just to the nearest willow tree, to take care of your business, Count. How do you want to wear your willow garland? Around your neck, like a rich man's chain? Or under your arm, like a lieutenant's sash? You must wear it one way or another, for the Prince has won your Hero.

CLAUDIO

I wish him happiness with her.

BENEDICK

Why, you sound like an honest cattle-dealer. That's how they sell bulls. But did you really think the Prince would trick you like that?

CLAUDIO

Please, leave me alone.

BENEDICK

Hey, now you're lashing out in the dark. Someone else robbed you, but you'll beat up the messenger.

CLAUDIO

If you won't go away, I'll leave you.

BENEDICK

Alas, that poor wounded bird. Now he'll crawl into the bushes and hide. But how strange that Lady Beatrice should seem to recognize me, and yet also not recognize me! "The Prince's jester!" Ha, maybe they call me that because I am cheerful. No, but I'm only insulting myself by thinking this. I don't have that kind of a reputation! It's just Beatrice's mean, sarcastic nature that causes her to think that everyone in the world shares her opinion, and therefore makes her describe me in this way. Well, I'll get my revenge if I can.

DON PEDRO

Now, Sir, where's Count Claudio? Did you see him?

BENEDICK

Truly, my lord, I played the part of Lady Rumor and relayed the news to him. I found him here, as melancholy as a rabbit in a burrow. I told him—and I think I told him the truth—that you had won over the lady's goodwill. I then offered to accompany him to a willow tree, to either help him make a garland as a forsaken lover, or else to bind willow switches into a whip to beat him.

DON PEDRO

To beat him? What's his crime?

BENEDICK

The simple crime of a schoolboy who finds a birds' nest and joyfully shows it to his friend, who then steals it.

DON PEDRO

Will you turn trusting a friend into a crime? The criminal is the thief.

BENEDICK

But it still would have been appropriate to make both the whip and the garland. He could have worn the garland himself, and used the whip on you, since you—as I understand it—have stolen his birds' nest.

DON PEDRO

I only plan to teach the baby birds to sing, and then return them to their rightful owner.

BENEDICK

If their singing corresponds with what you say—if Hero really is ready to love Claudio, and not you—then you'll be telling the truth.

DON PEDRO

The Lady Beatrice has a quarrel with you. The gentleman she danced with told her that you had insulted her gravely.

BENEDICK

Oh, she's insulted me so badly that not even a block of wood could endure it! An oak tree with only one green leaf left would revive itself to respond to her abuse. Even my mask started to come to life and try to argue with her. She told me—not recognizing me as myself—that I was the Prince's jester, and duller than mud. She piled up mockery upon mockery until I stood paralyzed, like a man set up as a target with a whole army shooting at me. She speaks daggers, and every word stabs. If her breath were as terrible as her insults, she would stink up and kill everything from here to the North Star. I wouldn't marry her even if her dowry were Paradise. If Hercules were her husband, she'd make him cook for her, and chop up his club for firewood. Come on, don't talk about her. She's like Atë dressed up in fine clothes. I wish to God that some magician would exorcize her, for as long as she's here on earth, hell itself must be just as quiet as a church. People sin on purpose just so they can go to hell and escape her. Indeed, chaos, horror, and turmoil follow her everywhere.

DON PEDRO

Look, here she comes.

BENEDICK

Will your Grace please send me on a mission to the ends of the earth? I'll go to the other side of the globe for any silly errand you can come up with. I'll fetch you a toothpick from the farthest reaches of Asia, or find out Prester John's shoe size, or bring you a hair from Cham's beard, or deliver any message you want to send to the Pygmies—anything rather than exchange three words with this man-eating vulture. Don't you have any work for me?

DON PEDRO

No work at all—all I desire is your good company.

BENEDICK

Oh God, sir, then here comes a meal I hate. I can't stand tongue!

DON PEDRO

[To BEATRICE] Come, my lady, come. You have lost Signor Benedick's heart.

BEATRICE

It's true, my lord. He did lend it to me once, and I paid him back with interest: a double heart for his single one. But then he won it back from me in a game with loaded dice. So your Grace might be right in saying that I lost it.

DON PEDRO

You've defeated him, lady. You've put him down.

BEATRICE

And I hope that he won't put me down, or else my children will all be fools. Here, I've brought Count Claudio, whom you sent me to find.

DON PEDRO

Why, what's going on, Count? Why are you sad?

CLAUDIO

I'm not sad, my lord.

DON PEDRO

What is it then? Are you sick?

CLAUDIO

Neither sad nor sick, my lord.

BEATRICE

The Count is neither sad, nor sick, nor happy, nor well—he's just civil, civil and orange like an orange from Seville, and with the same jealous, yellow complexion.

DON PEDRO

Truly, lady, I think your description is right, though I swear he has no reason to look so jealous.

[To CLAUDIO] Here, Claudio, I've courted Hero on your behalf, and beautiful Hero has been won. I asked her father, and he's given his permission. Name the day you want to get married, and may God give you joy.

LEONATO

Count Claudio, take my daughter, and take all my fortunes along with her. The Prince has made the match, and may God—the Prince of heaven—say "amen" to it.

BEATRICE

That's your cue to speak, Count.

CLAUDIO

Silence is the best announcer of joy. If I were only a little happy, I could say how much, but as it is I'm speechless.

[To HERO] Lady, you are mine, and I am yours. I give myself away for you, and I delight in the trade.

BEATRICE

Say something, cousin. Or if you can't, stop his mouth with a kiss and don't let him say anything either.

DON PEDRO

Truly, lady, you have a cheerful heart.

BEATRICE

Yes, my lord. I thank my heart, the poor fool, for it keeps itself safe from worries. Now my cousin is whispering to Claudio that she loves him.

CLAUDIO

And so she is, cousin.

BEATRICE

Thank the good Lord for alliances! And so everyone goes off into the world of marriage except for me. I stay in, sunburned and unattractive. I ought to sit in a corner and cry, "Heigh-ho for a husband!"

DON PEDRO

Lady Beatrice, I will get you a husband.

BEATRICE

I would rather have one your father got me. Don't you have any brothers like yourself, your Grace? Your father got excellent husbands, if only a young woman could find one.

DON PEDRO

Will you have me, my lady?

BEATRICE

No, my lord—not unless I could have another husband for workdays. Your Grace is too expensive to wear every day. But please pardon me, your Grace. I was born to tell jokes, not to make sense.

DON PEDRO

I'd be more offended if you were silent, for being cheerful suits you best. You must have been born in a happy hour.

BEATRICE

No, my lord, my mother actually cried when she gave birth to me. But then a star danced overhead, and under that star I was born.

[To the partygoers] Friends and cousins, I must be off!

LEONATO

Niece, will you take care of those things I asked you about?

BEATRICE

Forgive me, uncle, I will.

[To DON PEDRO] If you'll excuse me, your Grace.

DON PEDRO

By God, what a good-humored lady.

LEONATO

There's certainly not much gloominess in her, my lord. She's only sad when she sleeps, and even then Hero has told me that Beatrice can dream of misfortune but still wake herself up laughing.

DON PEDRO

She can't stand to hear about getting a husband.

LEONATO

Oh, certainly not. She mocks all her suitors until they give up courting her.

DON PEDRO

She would be an excellent wife for Benedick.

LEONATO

Oh Lord, if they were married, they'd talk each other into insanity within a week, my lord.

DON PEDRO

Count Claudio, when do you plan to get married?

CLAUDIO

Tomorrow, my lord. Time limps along slowly when love is waiting to be fulfilled.

LEONATO

Wait until Monday, my dear future son-in-law. It's only a week away, and even that is too short a time to put together all the arrangements I have planned.

DON PEDRO

[To CLAUDIO] Come, you shake your head at such a long wait. But I promise you, Claudio, the time won't be boring for us. While we wait, I intend to take on an impossible task, like one of the Labors of Hercules: I want to make Sir Benedick and Lady Beatrice fall totally in love with each other. I want to see them matched. And I'm sure I can arrange it, if you three will help me when I ask for it.

LEONATO

My lord, I'll accept your proposal, even if I have to stay up for ten nights straight.

CLAUDIO

And me too, my lord.

DON PEDRO

And you too, dear Hero?

HERO

My lord, I'll perform any task if it will help my cousin get a good husband.

DON PEDRO

And Benedick isn't the worst husband I know. I can praise him this much at least: he is well-born, he's had his bravery tested in battle, and he is established as an honorable man. I'll teach you how to influence your cousin so that she falls in love with Benedick.

[To CLAUDIO and LEONATO] And we men will scheme against Benedick so that, despite his quick wit and fear of marriage, he will fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this, then we'll steal all of Cupid's glory. He won't even be able to call himself an archer anymore—we will be the only gods of love! Now come inside with me, and I'll tell you my plan.