LEONATO

[Holding a letter] This letter says that Don Pedro of Aragon is coming to Messina tonight.

MESSENGER

He must be very close by now. He was less than nine miles away when I left him.

LEONATO

How many men did you lose in this battle?

MESSENGER

Not many, and no one with any notable rank or reputation.

LEONATO

A victory is twice as great when the victor comes home without losing any soldiers. This letter also says that Don Pedro has given great honors to a young man from Florence named Claudio.

MESSENGER

The honors are well-deserved, and Don Pedro has bestowed them fairly. Claudio has achieved things that no one would expect from such a young man. He has the look of a lamb, but he fights like a lion. Indeed, he's surpassed all expectations by so much that you can't expect me to describe him properly.

LEONATO

He has an uncle here in Messina who will be very glad to hear about this.

MESSENGER

I've already delivered letters to him, and he seemed overjoyed. Indeed, he got so emotional that he couldn't restrain his tears.

LEONATO

Did he really start crying?

MESSENGER

Yes, heavily.

LEONATO

That's the result of a natural overflow of affection for family members. There's no face more honest than one washed by tears. And how much better it is to weep for joy than to laugh in sadness!

BEATRICE

Please, has Sir Montanto returned from the battle or not?

MESSENGER

I don't know anyone by that name, my lady. There never was a Sir Montanto in our army.

LEONATO

Who is it you're asking about, niece?

HERO

My cousin means Sir Benedick of Padua.

MESSENGER

Oh, he's returned, and he's as witty and cheerful as ever.

BEATRICE

Benedick once put up signs here in Messina challenging Cupid to an archery contest. My uncle's jester read the challenge, accepted on Cupid's behalf, and challenged Benedick with blunt arrows. But please tell me, how many men has he killed and eaten in these battles? For I promised to eat any man he could kill.

LEONATO

Honestly, niece, you criticize Sir Benedick too much. But I don't doubt that he'll give as good as he gets.

MESSENGER

He served well in this war, my lady.

BEATRICE

You had stale food, and he helped you eat it. He's a very brave eater. He has an excellent stomach for eating.

MESSENGER

And a stomach for fighting too, my lady. He's a good soldier.

BEATRICE

A good soldier compared to a lady, but what is he compared to a lord?

MESSENGER

He's a lord to a lord and a man to a man. He's stuffed full of honorable virtues.

BEATRICE

Indeed he is. He's nothing more than a dummy—a stuffed man. But as for what he's stuffed with—well, we all have our faults.

LEONATO

Sir, you mustn't misunderstand my niece. There is a kind of cheerful war between her and Sir Benedick. Whenever they meet there's always a battle of wits.

BEATRICE

And he never gains anything from such battles. In our last encounter, all his wits but one went limping off, leaving him with only enough wit to keep himself warm and distinguish himself from his horse. But who is his companion now? Every month he has a new best friend.

MESSENGER

Is that possible?

BEATRICE

Entirely possible. He wears his loyalty like he wears his hats—always changing with the latest fashions.

MESSENGER

I see that this gentleman isn't included in your good book, my lady.

BEATRICE

No. And if he were in my good book, I'd burn down my library. But please tell me, who is his friend now? Isn't there some quarrelsome young man who will go along with Benedick on his voyage to hell?

MESSENGER

He spends most of his time in the company of the most noble Claudio.

BEATRICE

Oh Lord, Benedick will cling to him like a disease! Benedick is easier to catch than the plague, and the person he's infected immediately goes insane. God help the noble Claudio! If he's caught the Benedick, he'll lose all his money before he can be cured.

MESSENGER

I'll make sure to stay on your good side, my lady.

BEATRICE

Do, good friend.

LEONATO

You will never "catch the Benedick," niece.

BEATRICE

No, not until there's a hot January.

MESSENGER

Don Pedro is here.

DON PEDRO

Good Sir Leonato, have you come to meet your burden—the burden of hosting me and all my followers? Most people avoid expense, but you welcome it.

LEONATO

You are never a burden to my house, your Grace. When a burden leaves, comfort should replace it. But when you leave, you take happiness with you and leave behind only sorrow.

DON PEDRO

You welcome your troubles too cheerfully. [Turning to HERO] This must be your daughter.

LEONATO

That's what her mother keeps telling me.

BENEDICK

Sir, did you doubt that she was your daughter, since you had to ask?

LEONATO

No, Sir Benedick, for you were only a child then—not yet old enough to seduce my wife.

DON PEDRO

He got you back, Benedick! I can tell from this what kind of a man you are, and that you have a reputation with women. But seriously, the lady proves who her father is by her resemblance to him.

[To HERO] Be happy, my lady, for you resemble an honorable father.

BENEDICK

Even if Sir Leonato is her father, she wouldn't want to resemble an old man, no matter how similar she is to him.

BEATRICE

I'm surprised that you're still talking, Sir Benedick. Nobody's paying attention to you.

BENEDICK

Oh, it's my dear Lady Scorn! Haven't you died from boredom yet?

BEATRICE

How could Scorn die when she has such a plentiful supply of food in the form of Sir Benedick? When you're around, even Lady Courtesy must transform into Lady Scorn.

BENEDICK

Then Lady Courtesy is a traitor. But, truly, all ladies love me, except you. And I wish I could say that I wasn't so hard-hearted, for I really don't love anyone.

BEATRICE

What a stroke of good fortune for women. Otherwise they would all be plagued by a terrible suitor. I thank God and my own cold blood that I feel the same way, and don't love anyone. I would rather hear my dog bark at a crow than hear a man swear that he loves me.

BENEDICK

Your Ladyship, may God preserve you in that state of mind forever, so that some poor gentleman will escape having his face scratched up.

BEATRICE

If it's a face like yours then scratching couldn't make it look any worse.

BENEDICK

You'd be great at teaching parrots—you say the same things over and over again.

BEATRICE

Better a bird that talks like me than a beast that talks like you—unable to say anything at all.

BENEDICK

I wish my horse were as fast as your tongue, and could go on and on in the same way. But have it your way, for God's sake. I'm done.

BEATRICE

You always drop out of the horse race before it's over. I know how you are.

DON PEDRO

And that's everything that's happened since we last saw each other, Leonato.

[To CLAUDIO and BENEDICK] Sir Claudio and Sir Benedick, my dear friend Leonato has invited you all to stay here. I told him we'll stay for at least a month, and he begged us to stay longer. I swear that he's not just being polite, but is sincere.

LEONATO

My lord, if you swear it, you won't be lying. 

[To DON JOHN] Let me welcome you as well, my lord. Now that you and your brother are reconciled, I owe you the same allegiance I owe to Don Pedro.

DON JOHN

I thank you. I'm a man of few words, but I thank you.

LEONATO

Do you want to lead us all inside, your Grace?

DON PEDRO

Give me your hand, Leonato. We'll go together.

CLAUDIO

Benedick, did you notice Sir Leonato's daughter?

BENEDICK

I saw her, but I didn't see anything worth noting.

CLAUDIO

Isn't she a well-mannered young lady?

BENEDICK

Are you asking me that honestly, and want my true opinion? Or do you want me to criticize her in the way that I'm known to criticize all women?

CLAUDIO

No, please speak honestly and seriously.

BENEDICK

Well, to be honest, I think she's too short to be praised highly, too ugly to be praised prettily, and too little to be praised greatly. The only compliment I can give her is this: if she were different than the way she is, she would be ugly. And since she can't be anything but herself, I do not like her.

CLAUDIO

You think I'm joking. Please tell me honestly what you think of her.

BENEDICK

Why are you asking about her—do you want to buy her?

CLAUDIO

Could anything in the world be enough to buy such a jewel?

BENEDICK

Yes, and a box to put it in. But are you saying this seriously? Or are you just playing the part of the mocking rascal, saying that blind Cupid is good at catching hares and Vulcan is a good carpenter? Come, tell me what key you're singing in, so I can sing in harmony.

CLAUDIO

In my eyes, she seems like the sweetest lady I've ever seen.

BENEDICK

I can still see without glasses, and I don't see it. If her cousin Beatrice didn't have such a temper, she would exceed Hero in beauty more than spring does winter. But I hope you aren't looking to become a husband, are you?

CLAUDIO

Even if I had sworn to never marry, I wouldn't trust myself if Hero said she would be my wife.

BENEDICK

Is this what the world's coming to? Honestly, isn't there one man left who can wear his hat without fearing to sprout horns? Will I never see a sixty-year-old bachelor again? Go ahead then, if you insist on putting your neck in the yoke of marriage like an ox, and throwing away your free time. Look, Don Pedro has returned to look for you.

DON PEDRO

What secrets have you been telling that kept you from following us to Leonato's?

BENEDICK

Your Grace will have to command me to tell.

DON PEDRO

I command you by your allegiance to me. Tell me.

BENEDICK

Do you hear this, Count Claudio? I can keep secrets like a mute man, and I want you to know that. But my allegiance is to Don Pedro—look, I have to tell him because of my allegiance—

[To DON PEDRO] Claudio is in love. With whom? Now, that's what your Grace is supposed to ask next. See how short the answer is: with Hero, Leonato's short daughter.

CLAUDIO

If that were true, then that would be the thing to say.

BENEDICK

See how he denies his crime, my lord, like the man in the old tale "Mr. Fox." "It isn't true and it wasn't true, and God forbid that it should be true."

CLAUDIO

If my passions don't change very soon, God forbid that it should not be true.

DON PEDRO

If you really love Hero, then I approve. The lady is very deserving of love.

CLAUDIO

You're saying this to trick me into confessing, my lord.

DON PEDRO

Truthfully, I'm saying what I really think.

CLAUDIO

And honestly, my lord, I also said what I thought when I said that I loved her.

BENEDICK

And truthfully and honestly I swear, my lord, that I did the same when I said this was a bad idea.

CLAUDIO

I feel that I love her.

DON PEDRO

And I know that she is worthy.

BENEDICK

And I neither feel how she could be loved nor know how she could be worthy. Even fire couldn't melt this opinion out of me. I'd say it even if you burned me at the stake for it.

DON PEDRO

You've always been a stubborn dissenter in the way you scorn beauty.

CLAUDIO

And you can't give any good reasons for your argument—just sheer willfulness.

BENEDICK

A woman conceived me, and I thank her for that. Then she brought me up, and I give her humble thanks for that, too. But all other women will have to pardon me if I don't want to be made a fool of by having hunting horns grow from my forehead. Because I don't want to insult any particular woman by mistrusting her, I'll just protect myself by avoiding and mistrusting them all. And the result of this is that I'll live as a bachelor, and have more money to spend on fine clothes.

DON PEDRO

Before I die, I swear I'll see you turn pale with lovesickness.

BENEDICK

I'll turn pale with anger, with illness, or with hunger—but never with love, my lord. If you can show that I'll ever be so weak with love that I can't be strengthened by a few cups of wine, you can pluck out my eyes with a love-poet's pen and hang me up at the door of a brothel's house, where the sign of blind Cupid usually goes.

DON PEDRO

Well, if you ever do change your mind and fall in love, you'll become an extreme example for everyone to gossip about.

BENEDICK

If I do, you can use me for target practice. And if any man hits me, let him be patted on the back and called a hero.

DON PEDRO

Well, time will tell. Even the savage bull eventually wears the yoke.

BENEDICK

The savage bull may wear it. But if the sensible Benedick ever takes up the yoke of marriage, then pluck off the bull's horns and put them on my forehead—for I'll soon be a cuckold like the rest. And let me be painted gaudily, and hang a sign around my neck, with big letters. Instead of what the sign usually says, "Here is a good horse to hire," the sign will say, "Here is Benedick, the married man."

CLAUDIO

If that ever happened, you'd go horn-mad.

DON PEDRO

Well, if Cupid hasn't used up all his arrows in lustful Venice, then he'll soon have his revenge by making you shake with love.

BENEDICK

It's just as likely that there'll be an earthquake.

DON PEDRO

Well, you'll grow milder as time passes. But in the meantime hurry to Leonato's, good Sir Benedick. Give him my compliments and tell him that I'll be there for dinner, since I know he's done a lot of preparation for it.

BENEDICK

I think I have enough wit left in me to handle such a mission. And so I commit you—

CLAUDIO

—into God's hands. From my house—if I had a house—

DON PEDRO

The sixth of July. Your loving friend, Benedick.

BENEDICK

Now, don't make fun. Sometimes you two might decorate your conversation with little fragments of wit, but they don't hold together very well. Before you show off your witty scraps any longer, take a look at your conscience, and you'll see that I speak the truth. And with that I leave you.

CLAUDIO

My lord, you can really help me now.

DON PEDRO

I'm eager to help. Just let me what I can do, and you'll see how good I am at learning even the hardest lesson.

CLAUDIO

Does Leonato have any sons, my lord?

DON PEDRO

He has no child but Hero, who is his only heir. Do you love her, Claudio?

CLAUDIO

Oh my lord, when we left to fight the war that's now over, I looked at Hero with a soldier's eyes. And I liked her, but my mind was too filled with the rough tasks ahead to change liking into loving. But now that I've returned and my thoughts of war are gone, they've been replaced with soft and delicate desires that all lead me to one thing: how beautiful young Hero is, and how I must have liked her even before I went off to war.

DON PEDRO

Soon you'll be a true lover, and wear out everyone who listens to you with endless speeches about your feelings. If you love the beautiful Hero, then enjoy it. I'll bring up the subject to her and to her father, and soon you'll have her as your wife. Isn't this the result you were looking for when you told me this story?

CLAUDIO

You can see how lovesick I am without even asking, and you take care of me so kindly! But I didn't want to seem to hasty in my feelings, so I was going to smooth them over with a longer explanation.

DON PEDRO

Why build a bridge wider than the river it's crossing? You don't have to say more than what gets the point across. The best gift is one that's needed most, and whatever gets the job done will work. You are in love, and that's that. I'll get you what you need to cure your sickness. I know we'll have a party tonight. I'll disguise myself and tell Hero that I am Claudio, and in private I'll tell her all about my feelings for her. When she hears, she'll be taken prisoner by the force of my tale of love. Then I'll talk to her father, and in the end she'll be yours. Now let's put this plan into action right away.