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Act 2, Scene 1
Love's Labor's Lost Translation Act 3, Scene 1
Enter DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO and MOTH
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Warble, child; make passionate my sense of hearing.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Sing child, let me hear a song about love.
MOTH
Concolinel.
MOTH
I will sing Concolinel.
Singing
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Sweet air! Go, tenderness of years; take this key,give enlargement to the swain, bring him festinatelyhither: I must employ him in a letter to my love.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Sweet music! Go, young Moth, take this key, release Costard and bring him here quickly. I must send him to deliver a letter to my love.
MOTH
Master, will you win your love with a French brawl?
MOTH
Master, are you going to win your love with a French dance?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
How meanest thou? brawling in French?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
What do you mean? Should I fight for her in French?
MOTH
No, my complete master: but to jig off a tune at the tongue's end, canary to it with your feet, humour it with turning up your eyelids, sigh a note and sing a note, sometime through the throat, as if you swallowed love with singing love, sometime through the nose, as if you snuffed up love by smelling love; with your hat penthouse-like o'er the shop of your eyes; with your arms crossed on your thin-belly doublet like a rabbit on a spit; or your hands in your pocket like a man after the old painting; and keep not too long in one tune, but a snip and away . These are complements, these are humours; these betray nice wenches, that would be betrayed without these; and make them men of note—do you note me?—that most are affected to these.
MOTH
No my skilled master, but if you sing a song in the style of a jig and dance along to it; if you show emotion by gazing upwards, sighing as you do so; if you sing through your throat as if you have swallowed love by singing about it; if you sing through your nose as if you have inhaled love; if you wear your hat pulled down over your eyes, with your arms crossed over your thin-belly like a rabbit on a spit; if you keep your hands in your pockets, like a man posing for an old painting and if you change from one of these things to another very quickly you'll do well. These things will make you look like a gentleman, they will make you seem whimsical and seduce saucy women who could be seduced even without these. These things will make you a man of distinction—are you following me? Because these things really work.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
How hast thou purchased this experience?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
How do you know all of this?
MOTH
By my penny of observation.
MOTH
By all that I have seen.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
But O,—but O,—
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
But O....but O....
MOTH
'The hobby-horse is forgot.'
MOTH
[Singing] "The hobby-horse is forgot."
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Callest thou my love 'hobby-horse'?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Are you calling my love a prostitute?
MOTH
No, master; the hobby-horse is but a colt, and yourlove perhaps a hackney. But have you forgot your love?
MOTH
No master, a hobby-horse would only be a suitable name for a young love, and your love is more of a used horse. You had almost forgotten about your love, hadn't you?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Almost I had.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
I almost had.
MOTH
Negligent student! learn her by heart.
MOTH
You careless student! You need to know everything about her by heart.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
By heart and in heart, boy.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
By heart and in my heart, my boy.
MOTH
And out of heart, master: all those three I will prove.
MOTH
And indeed out of your heart, master. I will prove all three of these things to you.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
What wilt thou prove?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
What will you prove?
MOTH
A man, if I live; and this, by, in, and without, upon the instant: by heart you love her, because your heart cannot come by her; in heart you love her, because your heart is in love with her; and out of heart you love her, being out of heart that you cannot enjoy her.
MOTH
I will prove to be a man, I hope, and I will also prove these things to you. You love her "by" heart because your heart cannot have her; you love her "in" your heart, because your heart is in love with her; you love her"out" of your heart because you are disheartened by the fact that you can't be with her.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
I am all these three.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
I am all three of these things.
MOTH
And three times as much more, and yet nothing atall.
MOTH
And even if you were nine of these things, you would still have nothing to show for it.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Fetch hither the swain: he must carry me a letter.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Bring Costard here, I need him to deliver a letter for me.
MOTH
A message well sympathized; a horse to be ambassadorfor an ass.
MOTH
A well thought through idea, sending that mule as a messenger for an ass.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Ha, ha! what sayest thou?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Ha, ha! What are you saying?
MOTH
Marry, sir, you must send the ass upon the horse,for he is very slow-gaited. But I go.
MOTH
I am saying sir, that you are going to send an ass to ride upon a horse, because he is as slow as an ass. But anyway, I will go and get him.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
The way is but short: away!
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
It's not far, off you go!
MOTH
As swift as lead, sir.
MOTH
I will be as quick as a piece of lead, sir.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
The meaning, pretty ingenious?Is not lead a metal heavy, dull, and slow?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Is this some clever joke that I don't understand? Isn't lead a metal and aren't metals heavy, dull and slow?
MOTH
Minime, honest master; or rather, master, no.
MOTH
No, no, my truthful master, of course not.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
I say lead is slow.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
I am telling you, lead is slow.
MOTH
You are too swift, sir, to say so:Is that lead slow which is fired from a gun?
MOTH
You are too quick to say so, sir. Tell me, is lead slow when it is fired out of a gun?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Sweet smoke of rhetoric!He reputes me a cannon; and the bullet, that's he:I shoot thee at the swain.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
What a clever expression then! He thinks of me as the gun and he is the quick bullet that is flying out of it—I send you flying towards Costard!
MOTH
Thump then and I flee.
MOTH
Like a bullet then, I go.
Exit
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
A most acute juvenal; voluble and free of grace!By thy favour, sweet welkin, I must sigh in thy face:Most rude melancholy, valour gives thee place.My herald is return'd.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
What a clever young boy, so chatty and free with his words! Oh sky, I have to sigh in your sweet air! But no, now I must be brave and ignore my sadness. Look, my messenger has returned.
Re-enter MOTH with COSTARD
MOTH
A wonder, master! here's a costard broken in a shin.
MOTH
It is a wonder master! Look here's Costard with an injured shin.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Some enigma, some riddle: come, thy l'envoy; begin.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
This is some kind of enigma, some kind of riddle, come on then, continue with your l'envoy, begin.
COSTARD
No egma, no riddle, no l'envoy; no salve in themail, sir: O, sir, plantain, a plain plantain! nol'envoy, no l'envoy; no salve, sir, but a plantain!
COSTARD
This isn't an egma, it's not a riddle or a l'envoy, no ointment, or salve in the mail sir. Oh sir it is plantain, a plain plant! No l'envoy, no l'envoy, no salve sir, but a plantain!
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
By virtue, thou enforcest laughter; thy silly thought my spleen; the heaving of my lungs provokes me to ridiculous smiling. O, pardon me, my stars! Doth the inconsiderate take salve for l'envoy, and the word l'envoy for a salve?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
My goodness, you do make me laugh, your silly ideas hurt my spleen; the amount my lungs have shook with laughter has forced me into silly smiling. Oh forgive me, my Lord! Do ignorant people use a "salve," a greeting as if it were a farewell, and "l'envoy" the other way round?
MOTH
Do the wise think them other? is not l'envoy a salve?
MOTH
Do wise people think otherwise? Isn't a l'envoy a salve?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
No, page: it is an epilogue or discourse, to make plain Some obscure precedence that hath tofore been sain. I will example it: The fox, the ape, and the humble-bee, Were still at odds, being but three. There's the moral. Now the l'envoy.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
No, my boy. It is an epilogue or a speech to clear up what has happened so far. I will give you an example:
The fox, the ape and the bumble-bee,
Are always quarreling, as there are only three of them.
That's the moral. Now the l'envoy would be:
MOTH
I will add the l'envoy. Say the moral again.
MOTH
Let me add the l'envoy. Say the moral again.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
The fox, the ape, and the humble-bee,Were still at odds, being but three.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
The fox, the ape and the bumble-bee,
Are always quarreling, as there are only three of them.
MOTH
Until the goose came out of door, And stay'd the odds by adding four. Now will I begin your moral, and do you follow with my l'envoy. The fox, the ape, and the humble-bee, Were still at odds, being but three.
MOTH
Until the goose came out of the door,
And sorted the quarrel out by being the fourth member of the group.
Now I will say the moral again, and you can repeat my l'envoy at the end of it.
The fox, the ape and the bumble-bee,
Are always quarreling, as there are only three of them.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Until the goose came out of door,Staying the odds by adding four.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Until the goose comes out of the door,
And sorted the quarrel out by being the fourth member of the group.
MOTH
A good l'envoy, ending in the goose: would youdesire more?
MOTH
A good conclusion, ending with the goose —shall we do more?
COSTARD
The boy hath sold him a bargain, a goose, that's flat. Sir, your pennyworth is good, an your goose be fat. To sell a bargain well is as cunning as fast and loose: Let me see; a fat l'envoy; ay, that's a fat goose.
COSTARD
The boy has made a fool out of him, he's made him a goose that's for certain. Sir your bits were quite good and your goose is certainly fat. To win your point that way is as cunning as it is unfair. Let me see, a fat epilogue, yes that's a fat goose then.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Come hither, come hither. How did this argument begin?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Come on now, come on now. How did this argument begin anyway?
MOTH
By saying that a costard was broken in a shin.Then call'd you for the l'envoy.
MOTH
Well I said that Costard had injured his shin and you asked right away for the l'envoy.
COSTARD
True, and I for a plantain: thus came yourargument in;Then the boy's fat l'envoy, the goose that you bought;And he ended the market.
COSTARD
True, and I asked for a plantain to heal my shin—here's where your argument began. Then the boy made his epilogue, you bought the goose and he ended the matter.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
But tell me; how was there a costard broken in a shin?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
But tell me again, how could a head have injured its shin?
MOTH
I will tell you sensibly.
MOTH
I will tell you sensibly now.
COSTARD
Thou hast no feeling of it, Moth: I will speak that l'envoy:I Costard, running out, that was safely within,Fell over the threshold and broke my shin.
COSTARD
You don't feel my pain Moth, I will speak that l'envoy. I, Costard, being forced to run out when I was safely inside, fell over the doorway and injured my shin.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
We will talk no more of this matter.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Let's talk no more about this matter.
COSTARD
Till there be more matter in the shin.
COSTARD
Not until there is pus oozing from the shin.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Sirrah Costard, I will enfranchise thee.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Costard, sir, I am going to release you.
COSTARD
O, marry me to one Frances: I smell some l'envoy,some goose, in this.
COSTARD
Oh let me be married to a Frances —I see some kind of epilogue or conclusion to my imprisonment.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
By my sweet soul, I mean setting thee at liberty,enfreedoming thy person; thou wert immured,restrained, captivated, bound.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
For goodness sake, I mean I am going to give you your freedom, I am going to let you go. You were imprisoned, restrained, held as my captive and you won't be anymore.
COSTARD
True, true; and now you will be my purgation and let meloose.
COSTARD
If this is true then I will be cleared of all of my guilt and set free?
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
I give thee thy liberty, set thee from durance; and,in lieu thereof, impose on thee nothing but this:bear this significant
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
I give you your freedom and put an end to your imprisonment. I ask just one small thing of you in return.
Giving a letter
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
to the country maid Jaquenetta:there is remuneration; for the best ward of minehonour is rewarding my dependents. Moth, follow.
DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Give this important letter to the country maid Jaquenetta. Here is remuneration for you, for the best way to protect myself and my honor is to treat my servants well. Come on Moth, follow me.
Exit
MOTH
Like the sequel, I. Signior Costard, adieu.
MOTH
I will follow after you. Goodbye Costard.
COSTARD
My sweet ounce of man's flesh! my incony Jew!
COSTARD
Oh you wonderful man! My fine Jew!
Exit MOTH
COSTARD
Now will I look to his remuneration. Remuneration! O, that's the Latin word for three farthings: three farthings—remuneration. —'What's the price of this inkle?'—'One penny.'—'No, I'll give you a remuneration:' why, it carries it. Remuneration! why, it is a fairer name than French crown. I will never buy and sell out of this word.
COSTARD
Now I will look more closely at this "remuneration." Remuneration! That must be the Latin word for three farthings, three farthings or remuneration. "What is the price of this thread?" "One penny." "I'll give you a remuneration for it!" Why, it sounds good. Remuneration! It's definitely a better name than a French crown. I don't think I'll do a deal again without using this word.
Enter BIRON
BIRON
O, my good knave Costard! exceedingly well met.
BIRON
Oh, you rascal Costard! Am I glad to see you!
COSTARD
Pray you, sir, how much carnation ribbon may a manbuy for a remuneration?
COSTARD
Excuse me sir, how much flesh-colored ribbon can a person buy with a remuneration?
BIRON
What is a remuneration?
BIRON
What is a remuneration?
COSTARD
Marry, sir, halfpenny farthing.
COSTARD
Why, sir, it is a halfpenny farthing.
BIRON
Why, then, three-farthing worth of silk.
BIRON
Well then you can buy three-farthings worth of silk.
COSTARD
I thank your worship: God be wi' you!
COSTARD
Thank you very much sir, and god be with you!
BIRON
Stay, slave; I must employ thee:As thou wilt win my favour, good my knave,Do one thing for me that I shall entreat.
BIRON
Stay for a minute, mister, I have a task for you. If you want to get in my good books, you rascal, do this one little thing for me.
COSTARD
When would you have it done, sir?
COSTARD
When would you like me to do it sir?
BIRON
This afternoon.
BIRON
This afternoon.
COSTARD
Well, I will do it, sir: fare you well.
COSTARD
Very well, I will do it sir! Goodbye.
BIRON
Thou knowest not what it is.
BIRON
You don't know what it is that I want you to do.
COSTARD
I shall know, sir, when I have done it.
COSTARD
I shall know what it is, sir, after I have done it.
BIRON
Why, villain, thou must know first.
BIRON
No, you fool, you have to know what it is first.
COSTARD
I will come to your worship to-morrow morning.
COSTARD
Okay then, I will come and find out from you tomorrow morning.
BIRON
It must be done this afternoon. Hark, slave, it is but this: The princess comes to hunt here in the park, And in her train there is a gentle lady; When tongues speak sweetly, then they name her name, And Rosaline they call her: ask for her; And to her white hand see thou do commend This seal'd-up counsel. There's thy guerdon; go.
BIRON
No, it must be done this afternoon. Listen, slave, I need you to do this: the Princess is coming here to hunt in the park, and with her will be a gentle lady that people call Rosaline. Ask for her and put this sealed letter into her pale hand. Here's your guerdon, now off you go.
Giving him a shilling
COSTARD
Gardon, O sweet gardon! better than remuneration,a'leven-pence farthing better: most sweet gardon! Iwill do it sir, in print. Gardon! Remuneration!
COSTARD
Gardon, Oh sweet gardon! Way better than a remuneration, eleven-pence farthing better actually. Most sweet gardon! I will do it sir, just as you asked. Gardon! Remuneration!
Exit
BIRON
And I, forsooth, in love! I, that have been love's whip; A very beadle to a humorous sigh; A critic, nay, a night-watch constable; A domineering pedant o'er the boy; Than whom no mortal so magnificent! This whimpled, whining, purblind, wayward boy; This senior-junior, giant-dwarf, Dan Cupid; Regent of love-rhymes, lord of folded arms, The anointed sovereign of sighs and groans, Liege of all loiterers and malcontents, Dread prince of plackets, king of codpieces, Sole imperator and great general Of trotting 'paritors: —O my little heart:— And I to be a corporal of his field, And wear his colours like a tumbler's hoop! What, I! I love! I sue! I seek a wife! A woman, that is like a German clock, Still a-repairing, ever out of frame, And never going aright, being a watch, But being watch'd that it may still go right! Nay, to be perjured, which is worst of all; And, among three, to love the worst of all; A wightly wanton with a velvet brow, With two pitch-balls stuck in her face for eyes; Ay, and by heaven, one that will do the deed Though Argus were her eunuch and her guard: And I to sigh for her! to watch for her! To pray for her! Go to; it is a plague That Cupid will impose for my neglect Of his almighty dreadful little might. Well, I will love, write, sigh, pray, sue and groan: Some men must love my lady and some Joan.
BIRON
I cannot believe it, I am in love! I have opposed love for so long, and tried to protect myself against its telling sighs. I have been a critic of love, or even a night-time guard against it; I have been like a controlling teacher over this boy, Cupid—is there a prouder mortal on this earth? That completely blind, stubborn boy, who is both old and young. That giant dwarf, master Cupid, ruler of love-rhymes, the lord of crossed arms, the elected leader of sighs and groans, the chief of all those who drag their feet or moan, the prince of women's genitals, the king of male ones, the absolute ruler and great general of men who judged those in love. Oh my little heart! I have to be a soldier for love and wear the colors of love like an acrobat's ribbons! What, me! I now love! I want to date a woman! I am looking for a wife! A woman that has been elaborately made like a German clock, always needing repairs, always out of sorts, will never tell the right time. But a small clock, as it needs to be watched all the time, always tells the right time! Oh, to break my oath would be the worst thing, and out of the three promises, to fall in love is the worst. A fair-skinned, promiscuous woman with a face as smooth as velvet, with two pitch-black balls stuck on her face as eyes. Yes, and by heaven, she is someone who will have sex with me, although I have to battle Argus to get to her. Well I will sigh for her! I will stay awake for her! I will pray for her! Oh me, this is a sickness that Cupid has given me because I ignored his importance for so long. Well then I guess I will love, I will write, sigh, pray, court and groan; some men get to love a lady as brilliant as mine, and some must love someone of a lower status.
Exit
