Turtles All the Way Down

The next morning at school, Daisy announces she has a crisis. She explains that she agreed to a date with Mychal, but told him it would be a picnic double date with Aza and Davis. Aza says she hates eating outside and asks why they can't go to Applebee's. Daisy lists her four concerns, none of which concern the location of the date, and Aza texts Davis before school starts and asks if he'd like to get dinner with friends on Friday. Davis agrees.

After school, Aza drives to her appointment with Dr. Singh. Aza tries to think about what to say to Dr. Singh. She wants to say that she's getting better because "that was supposed to be the narrative of illness." In the office, Aza tells Dr. Singh that she feels like she's not driving the bus of her consciousness. Aza describes Dr. Singh: always in motion, but with an amazing poker face that never betrayed surprise. Dr. Singh asks Aza about her intrusive thoughts and when she last put her Band-Aid on. Aza insists that she's still crazy.

Dr. Singh tells Aza she's being cruel to herself by calling herself crazy. Aza asks how a person can be anything to their self, since that would make the idea of self not singular. Dr. Singh suggests that self is an integrated plurality, like a rainbow. She asks Aza if her thoughts are impeding her daily life. Aza describes her thoughts of cleanliness and bacteria and not being able to find the part of her that's clean, which she thinks might be evidence that she's soulless like the bacteria. Dr. Singh says this isn't uncommon and asks Aza if she'd try exposure response therapy again. Aza refuses and remembers how scared she was when she tried it before.

Dr. Singh asks Aza if she's taking her medication. Aza says she is, but says it freaks her out because it makes her wonder who's in control. She doesn't know if the people who manufacture the pill (Lexapro) are then in control of who and what she is, but says that she hates the "demon" and takes the pill to get rid of it. Dr. Singh comments that Aza tries to understand her thoughts through metaphor. She says that pain is hard because language can't represent pain like it can represent physical objects. Dr. Singh continues to say that to some extent, people can't know what they can't name, which makes it seem as though pain isn't real.

Dr. Singh asks Aza to frame her mental state around a word other than crazy. She asks Aza to try "courageous," but Aza refuses "that therapy stuff." Dr. Singh insists that the therapy works, and moves on to talking about a plan for Aza's medication. Aza tunes out and wonders if the twinge in her stomach means she has a C. diff infection. She feels she must read the case study from a woman who had no symptoms but a stomachache. Aza starts sweating and decides to tell Dr. Singh her fears, since Dr. Singh is a doctor.

Dr. Singh immediately tells Aza she doesn't have C. diff, and runs through the symptoms with Aza. Aza nods but thinks that Dr. Singh isn't a gastroenterologist. Dr. Singh sees that Aza is spiraling and leads her in a breathing exercise. She asks Aza to return in ten days. Aza tells the reader that the time between appointments is indicative of how crazy you are.

Aza looks up the case report on her way out to Harold. The woman did have a fever, and Aza tries to think that she's fine since she doesn't have a fever. Her thoughts spiral further and her stomach continues to bother her.