Confessions

[1] Augustine asks where God was all this time, as Augustine wandered in darkness, in despair of finding the truth. By this time, Monica had followed him to Italy. She wasn’t surprised to learn that Augustine was no longer a Manichee and confidently told him that she believed that before she died, she would see him become a Catholic. [2] Back in Africa, it had been Monica’s custom to bring offerings of food and wine to saints’ shrines, but when she learned that Ambrose had forbidden this practice in Milan for fear of people getting drunk and becoming superstitious, she gladly obeyed the bishop. She loved Ambrose for his influence in her son’s life, and he admired Monica’s piety as well.

[3] Though Augustine was full of spiritual questions and admired Ambrose, he kept his questions to himself, knowing the bishop was busy. But the more Augustine listened to Ambrose’s sermons, the more he began to believe that it was possible to answer the Manichees’ falsehoods about the Bible. Even though he did not yet understand Christian teachings, he now understood that he had previously been criticizing a made-up version of the faith, not the real thing. [4] Still, he remained in a state of suspense, unable to be certain of the truth and unwilling to accept in his heart what Ambrose taught.

[5] Augustine appreciated that the Church demanded that certain things be accepted on faith instead of proven. This was different from the Manichees, who mocked the idea of faith, yet put forward “preposterous inventions” that passed for scientific truth. God also showed Augustine that he already accepted many things on faith—facts of history, places he’d never seen, and the words of those he trusted. He even had to accept by faith that his parents were really his parents. In this way, Augustine realized he shouldn’t fault those who believed the Bible on the basis of faith.

Believing that human beings are too weak to discover the truth by means of reason alone, Augustine came to believe that God had made the Bible the means by which humanity would find and believe in him, granting it “conspicuous authority” the world over. Uniquely, the Bible is simple enough for anyone to read and understand, yet profound enough for the most learned to be captivated and challenged by it.

[6] Augustine still wanted to be rich and famous and to get married, but God allowed great difficulties to thwart his plans and make him miserable. One day he saw a laughing beggar and realized that this man, after a good meal, had found the happiness that Augustine was seeking by means of his ambitions, yet Augustine had only found unhappy burdens. The beggar’s happiness may not have been true joy, but Augustine now sees that the honor he was seeking was even more empty, because he was not seeking it in God.

[7] Augustine often talked with his friends about such things, especially Alypius and Nebridius. Alypius came from the same town as Augustine and was his former pupil. In his youth Alypius was obsessed with the entertainment in the Carthage amphitheater, but hearing some chance words of Augustine set him on a better path. [8] However, one day after Alypius had moved to Rome, some friends dragged him to the gladiatorial games despite his protests. During the games, Alypius kept his eyes shut tight. But, enticed by the roars of the crowd, he peeked at the fighting and was immediately sucked into the violence. Augustine says that Alypius’s attendance at the games was an example of presumption, not courage. [10] At Rome Alypius became Augustine’s close friend, and Augustine admired Alypius’s honesty and integrity in his work as a government official. Like Alypius and Augustine, Nebridius was in Milan seeking wisdom.

[11] In Milan, now 30, Augustine realized he was still wrestling with the same old problems and telling himself foolish excuses—that any day now, he’d discover the truth or find someone who could resolve his doubts. He also procrastinated by telling himself he couldn’t pursue the truth until he acquired the right books, or that he didn’t have enough spare time to study, or that he shouldn’t be too hasty in abandoning worldly hopes and ambitions. He also resisted the thought of forgoing marriage, imagining sexual continence to be unbearable.

[12] Alypius tried to talk Augustine out of marriage, but Augustine argued that Alypius was inexperienced and didn’t understand. As a result, Alypius became curious about marriage, and Augustine continued to lust, simply out of habit. Neither man cared about having an honorable marriage and family. [13] Meanwhile, Monica had been urging Augustine to marry in the hope that it would push him towards baptism. Accordingly, Augustine proposed and was accepted by a girl he liked, with the goal of marrying when she was a little older.

[14] Around this time, Augustine and about 10 of his friends decided to pursue an experiment in communal living, in retirement from “the bustle and worry of life.” However, some of the prospective members were married or hoping to be, so the plan collapsed. [15] Meanwhile, because of Augustine’s impending marriage, the woman he’d been living with “was torn from [his] side” and sent back to Africa, leaving him with a son, Adeodatus, and a broken heart. He tried to cope by taking another mistress, but this only made things worse. [16] Augustine thanks God that through all his fluctuating opinions—his failure to understand good and evil and the nature of true happiness—the fear of death and God’s judgment kept him from sinning still worse.