SIR TOBY BELCH

Come along, Mister Fabian.

FABIAN

I'm coming, don't worry. If I miss the tiniest bit of this joke, may I get boiled to death.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Won't you be glad to see that pretentious, rascally dog get humiliated?

FABIAN

I'll rejoice, man. You know, he got me in trouble with my lady Olivia once, when I held a bear-baiting here.

SIR TOBY BELCH

We'll bring the bear back just to make him angry then, and we'll make a fool of him until he's ruined. Won't we, Sir Andrew?

SIR ANDREW

If we don't, it will be the worst mistake of our lives.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Here comes the little villain.

How's it going, my golden one?

MARIA

All three of you hide in the hedge. Malvolio's coming this way down the path. He's been over there practicing his elegant manner for the past half hour. Watch him closely, if you love mockery, because I know that this letter will turn him into a starry-eyed fool. Now hide, if you love jokes!

You lie there now [Maria throws down a letter], for here comes the fish that must be caught by tickling it.

MALVOLIO

All is luck, only luck. Maria once told me that Lady Olivia liked me, and I've almost heard Olivia herself say that if she should love a man, he would be someone with my personality. Besides, she treats me with more respect and admiration than anyone else in her service. So what should I think of all this?

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering so MALVOLIO can't hear] What an arrogant villain!

FABIAN

[Whispering] Oh, gimme a break! When he's alone and musing to himself he acts even more like a proud peacock. See how he struts and shows his feathers!

SIR ANDREW

[Whispering] By God, I'd like to beat him up!

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] Quiet, I say.

MALVOLIO

I could be "Count Malvolio!"

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] Ah, that villain!

SIR ANDREW

[Whispering] Somebody shoot him, just shoot him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] Quiet, quiet!

MALVOLIO

There are other instances of such things happening. The Lady Strachy married her wardrobe assistant.

SIR ANDREW

[Whispering] Curse him, wicked Jezebel!

FABIAN

[Whispering] Oh, quiet! Now he's really lost in his imagination. Look how his fantasies puff him up.

MALVOLIO

Imagine me after three months being married to her, sitting in my majestic chair—

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] Oh, if only I had a slingshot, to shoot him in the eye!

MALVOLIO

Calling my servants around me, dressed in my embroidered velvet gown, having just come from the sofa where I've left Olivia sleeping—

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] Bloody hell!

FABIAN

hispering] Oh quiet, quiet!

MALVOLIO

And then to have an expression of great authority, and to gravely survey the room and then tell them that I know my place, and I'd like them to know theirs. I'd ask for my cousin Toby—

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] My God!

FABIAN

[Whispering] Oh quiet, quiet, quiet! Now, now.

MALVOLIO

Seven of my servants obediently would go to find him. I frown while I wait, and perhaps wind my watch, or play with my—with some rich jewel I'm wearing. Toby approaches me and bows—

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] Will we let this fellow live?

FABIAN

[Whispering] We must keep our silence—even though it is hard to, when he's being this offensive. Quiet.

MALVOLIO

I reach out my hand to him like so, extinguishing my usual smile and replacing it with a severe look of authority—

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] And doesn't Toby give you a punch in the mouth then?

MALVOLIO

And I say, "Cousin Toby, since fortune has allowed me to marry your niece, I have the right to say this—"

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] What, what?

MALVOLIO

"You must give up your drinking."

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] Out of here, you scab!

FABIAN

[Whispering] No, be patient, or we'll ruin our plan.

MALVOLIO

"And another thing—you're wasting your valuable time with that foolish knight—"

SIR ANDREW

[Whispering]That's me, I'm sure.

MALVOLIO

"That Sir Andrew—"

SIR ANDREW

[Whispering] I knew it was me, for I've often been called foolish.

MALVOLIO

[Seeing the letter] And what do we have here?

FABIAN

[Whispering] Now the bird approaches the snare.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] Oh, quiet! I hope the mood strikes him to read it out loud!

MALVOLIO

[Picking up the letter] By God, this is my lady's handwriting—these are her C's, her U's, and her T's, and this is how she makes her big P's. It's her handwriting, without question.

SIR ANDREW

[Whispering] Her C's, her U's, and her T's. Why only mention those?

MALVOLIO

[Reading] "To my beloved, who doesn't know of my love, I send this letter and my good wishes"—And it's phrased just how she would speak! Excuse me for breaking your seal, wax. But wait! This wax is stamped with an image of Lucrece, which Olivia uses for her seal. This letter is from my lady. But who is it written to?

FABIAN

[Whispering] This is winning him over, heart and all.

MALVOLIO

[Reading]
"God knows that I love,
But who!
Lips, do not speak;
No man must know."
"No man must know." But what's next? The poem's meter changes. "No man must know." What if she's writing about you, Malvolio?

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] Damn, go hang yourself, you badger!

MALVOLIO

[Reading]
"I may command the one I love,
But silence, like a knife,
Cuts my heart with a bloodless wound.
M.O.A.I. rules my life."

FABIAN

[Whispering] An elaborate riddle!

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] Such a clever girl, I say.

MALVOLIO

"M.O.A.I. rules my life." No, but first, let me see, let me see, let me see.

FABIAN

[Whispering] What a dish of poison she's prepared for him!

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] And see how eagerly he goes to eat it!

MALVOLIO

"I may command the one I love." Well, she may command me. I am her servant, and she is my lady. This much is easy for anyone to figure out. There's no difficulty here. But the end—what do those letters mean? If only I could make them refer to me—wait! M.O.A.I.—

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] Oh, yes, notice that. The trail's gone cold for him.

FABIAN

[Whispering] He'll pick up the scent eventually, no matter how much it smells of a prank.

MALVOLIO

"M"—Malvolio. "M"—why, that's the first letter of my name.

FABIAN

[Whispering] Didn't I say he would figure it out? This dog is excellent at tracking.

MALVOLIO

"M." But then the next letter doesn't agree with my name. This theory doesn't stand up to the test. "A" should be next, but instead it's "O."

FABIAN

[Whispering] And this will all end in an "O" as well, I hope—the "O" of a hangman's noose.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Whispering] Yes, or else I'll beat him with a club and make him yell "O!"

MALVOLIO

And then an "I" comes last.

FABIAN

[Whispering] Yes, and if you had an "I" in the back of your head, you might see more trouble behind you than good luck before you.

MALVOLIO

"M.O.A.I." The hidden meaning of this part isn't like the other one, but if I force it a little, it too could refer to me—for every one of these letters is in my name. Wait, there's some more prose now.
[Reading]
"If this should fall into your hands, consider it well. By birth I am ranked above you, but don't be afraid of my greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. Your fate welcomes you. Accept it with your body and spirit. And, to prepare yourself for the upper-class life you will have soon, cast aside your lowly outer self and become a new, fresh person. Be rude to your companions, and be mean to servants. Talk loudly and often about politics, and make a habit of being unique and eccentric. The woman who sighs with love for you advises you to do this. Remember who it was who complimented your yellow stockings, and asked to see you always wearing crossed laces going up your legs. Remember her, I say. Now go. You are assured of becoming a gentleman, if you want to be. If not, just keep acting like a steward, a companion of servants, and not worthy to grasp the greatness before you. Farewell. Signed, one who would switch places with you and be your servant,
The Fortunate Unfortunate"

Daylight in an open field couldn't be clearer than this. This is obvious. I will act proud, I will study politics, I will insult Sir Toby, I will rid myself of lower-class acquaintances, and I will act exactly as she asked me to. I'm not fooling myself now, or letting my imagination trick me—reason points to the inevitable conclusion that my lady Olivia loves me. She did compliment my yellow stockings lately, and she did praise my crossed laces, and in this she has proven that she loves me. I thank my lucky stars. I'm so happy. I will act just as she wanted—I'll be proud and aloof, and put on my yellow stockings and crossed laces as quickly as I can. May God and my lucky stars be praised! And here's more, a postscript.
[Reading]
"You have probably figured out who I am. If you accept my love, then let me know by smiling. Your smiles look good on you. So please smile whenever you're in my presence, my dear sweetheart."

Thank you God! I will smile for her. I'll do everything she wants me to.

FABIAN

I wouldn't have missed this entertainment for a pension of thousands, to be paid by the Shah of Persia.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I could marry that Maria for coming up with this scheme.

SIR ANDREW

So could I.

SIR TOBY BELCH

And I wouldn't ask for any bridal dowry except for her to come up with another joke like this.

SIR ANDREW

Neither would I.

FABIAN

Here comes my noble fool-catcher.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Should I kiss your feet?

SIR ANDREW

Or should I?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Should I gamble away my freedom at dice, and become your slave?

SIR ANDREW

Or should I?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Why, you've sent Malvolio into such a fantasy that he'll go mad when he learns the truth.

MARIA

No, tell me the truth, did he fall for my letter?

SIR TOBY BELCH

He swallowed it hook, line, and sinker.

MARIA

If you want to see the real results of this joke, then watch him when he first approaches my lady. He'll come to her in yellow stockings—a color she hates—and with crossed laces on his legs—a fashion she despises. And he'll smile constantly at her, which will go completely against her current mood, as she seems addicted to melancholy lately. All of it together will surely make her notice him and scorn him. If you want to see this, follow me.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I'll follow you to the deepest gates of Hell, you witty devil!

SIR ANDREW

I'll join the group too.