ADRIANA

Neither my husband nor my servant who I sent running to find his master have returned? Luciana, it's already two o'clock. 

LUCIANA

Perhaps some merchant has invited him, and he's gone to lunch somewhere from the market. Remember that men are masters of their own freedom. Time is their only master, and when they think it's the right time they come and go as they wish. Let's eat and not fret. 

ADRIANA

Why should men have more freedom than women?

LUCIANA

Because their work takes place outside the house. 

ADRIANA

When I treat him like this, he takes it badly. 

LUCIANA

Oh, you should know that he restrains your will like a bridle restrains a horse. 

ADRIANA

Only donkeys would be controlled like this. 

LUCIANA

Well, being headstrong in your desire for freedom leads only to woe. There's nothing under heaven—whether on land, in sea, or in sky—that isn't bound in some way. The beasts, fish, and birds, are all subject to the control of the males of their species. Man is more godly and is master of all these creatures. Man is lord of the whole world and wild, watery seas. Man has intellectual ability and a soul greater than any fish or birds. Men are masters of women, and lords to their ladies. For those reasons, let yourself be ruled by men's wishes. 

ADRIANA

With that servant-like attitude, you'll never get married. 

LUCIANA

It's not that. It's just that I don't want to deal with what happens in the marriage bed. 

ADRIANA

But, if you were married, you would have some power. 

LUCIANA

Before I fall in love, I'll learn to obey. 

ADRIANA

What if your husband strayed elsewhere?

LUCIANA

Till he came home, I'd hold out for him. 

ADRIANA

What amazing patience! I'm not amazed you hesitate to marry: it's easy to be meek when you have no reason not to be. We tell miserable people who have been mistreated to be quiet when we hear them cry, but if we had the same pain, or more, we should complain just like them. So you, who have no cruel husband to cause you grief, would stop telling me to be patient if you had a man. But, if you lose your rights in the same way that I have, you'll give up this insistence on being patient. 

LUCIANA

Well, I will marry one day, if only to try it out. Here comes your servant. Now your husband's on his way. 

ADRIANA

Tell me, is your tardy master coming soon?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

No, he's used both hands on me, as you can see from my two ears. 

ADRIANA

Tell me, did you speak with him? Do you know what he's planning to do?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Yes, yes, he told me his plans by beating me on the my ear. Curse his hand, I could hardly understand it. 

LUCIANA

He spoke so unclearly you couldn't get a feeling for what he meant?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

No, he struck so clearly I could easily feel his blows, and yet he was so confusing that I could hardly understand what was happening. 

ADRIANA

But, tell me, please, is he coming home? It seems like he would take great care to please his wife. 

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Why, mistress, surely my master is horn mad. 

ADRIANA

Horn mad, you villain! 

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

I don't mean he's a cuckold, but surely he's stark raving mad. When I asked him to come home to dinner, he asked me for a thousand marks in gold. "It's lunch time," said I. "My gold," said he. "Your meat is burning," said I. "My gold," said he. "Will you come?" said I. "My gold," said he. "Where is the thousand marks I gave you, villain?" "The pig," said I, "is burned." "My gold," said he. "My mistress, sir," said I. "Who cares about your mistress! I don't know your mistress. Damn your mistress!"

LUCIANA

Who said that?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Said my master. "I have," said he, "no house, no wife, no mistress." So I carry this message to you on my shoulders instead of on my tongue, since, in conclusion, he beat me there. 

ADRIANA

Go back again, you slave, and bring him home. 

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Go back again and be beaten home again? For God's sake, send another messenger. 

ADRIANA

Go back, slave, or I'll break your head. 

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

And he'll beat me on the head so that it makes a cross with the beating you've given me. Between the two of you, I'll have a holy head. 

ADRIANA

Get out, chattering peasant! Bring your master home. 

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

Am I so disrespectful to you as you are to me that you would throw me about like a football? You throw me out from here, and he'll throw me out from there. If I can survive this work, you must cover me in leather like a football. 

LUCIANA

Come on now, your face looks so impatient. 

ADRIANA

He must be spending time in the company of other women while I wait at home wishing for his smile. Has my advancing age taken my alluring beauty from my poor cheek? Then he's wasted it. Are my speeches boring? Is my wit bland? If sharp, witty conversation falls apart, unkindness worsens it more than marble would blunt something equally sharp. Do these women's bright colors seduce him? That's not my fault. He's master over all of my fortunes. What sorrows have I felt that aren't due to him? He's the cause of everything that's gone wrong with me. His sunny smile would quickly fix my decaying face. But, like an unruly deer, he runs from me and eats outside our home. I'm nothing but his washed-up mistress. 

LUCIANA

This jealousy is just harmful to yourself. Come on, get rid of it. 

ADRIANA

Only fools without feelings can move on from such mistreatment. I know he's been unfaithful to me, or else why wouldn't he be here? Sister, you know he promised me a chain. I'd give up the chain if he'd come back to our marriage and our bed. Even the most beautiful jewel will lose its beauty. Gold can sometimes last when others put their dirty fingers on it, and it only sometimes gets worn down. It's me, and not my husband, who will feel shame and it's only my reputation that will be ruined by his falsehood and unfaithfulness. Since my beauty can't please his eye, I'll weep what's left of my face off, and die weeping. 

LUCIANA

There are so many fools in love at the mercy of their own jealousy!