BOTTOM

Are we all here?

QUINCE

Right on time. And this is a great place for us to rehearse. This clearing will be the stage, and this hawthorn bush will be our dressing room. We'll rehearse the play exactly the same way that we’ll perform it for the duke.

BOTTOM

Peter Quince.

QUINCE

What is it, my fine friend Bottom?

BOTTOM

There are things in this comedy of Pyramus and Thisbe that will never please the audience. First of all, Pyramus has to take out a sword and use it to kill himself, which the women in the audience won’t be able to stand. What do you think about that?

SNOUT

By the Virgin Mary, that’s a serious problem.

STARVELING

I think, in the end, we’ll have to leave out all the killing.

BOTTOM

Not at all! I’ve got an idea that will solve the problem. Write, as I describe, a prologue that explains to the audience that we won’t actually hurt anyone with our swords, and that Pyramus isn’t really killed. And to make everyone even more comfortable, explain that that while I look like Pyramus I'm not actually him, I'm really Bottom the weaver. That will stop the audience from being afraid.

QUINCE

Good. We’ll perform that prologue, and we'll write it in traditional ballad form, with alternating lines of eight- and six-syllables.

BOTTOM

No, add two more. Write it with alternating lines of eight and eight syllables.

SNOUT

Won’t the women be frightened by the lion?

STARVELING

I’m very worried about that.

BOTTOM

Sirs, you should all think about this: bringing in—God protect us!—a lion in front of women is really an awful thing to do. Because there's not a more frightening wild bird living than the lion. We should remember that.

SNOUT

So we'll have another prologue that explains he’s not actually a lion.

BOTTOM

No, you should announce to the audience his actual name, and make it so that half of his face is visible through the lion costume. And he himself should say something like the following, or something else to the same defect: “Ladies,” or “Beautiful ladies,” “I would ask you” or “I would request you” or “I would beg you” “not to fear, not to tremble, because I would defend your lives by giving up my own. If you thought I came here as a real lion, it would endanger my life. No, I am no lion. I am a man, just like other men.” And at that point he should say his name, and tell them plainly that he’s Snug the carpenter.

QUINCE

Good, that’s what we’ll do. But there are two more problems we have to solve. How are we going to bring moonlight into the room where we perform? Because, you know, Pyramus and Thisbe meet in the moonlight.

SNOUT

Will the moon be shining on the night we’re performing our play?

BOTTOM

A calendar; we need a calendar! Look in an almanac. Look up when the moon shines, look up when the moon shines!

QUINCE

[He takes out and consults a book] Yes, the moon will shine that night.

BOTTOM

Well then, you could leave a window open in the great room where we’ll be performing, and the moon will shine in through the window.

QUINCE

Yes, or else someone will have to come in carrying a bundle of sticks and a lantern and say he’s come to disfigure, or represent, the character of Moonshine. Then there's another problem: we need to have a wall in the great room. Because Pyramus and Thisbe talked to each other through a little hole in a wall, as the story goes.

SNOUT

You’ll never be able to bring in a wall. What do you think, Bottom?

BOTTOM

Someone has to play the part of Wall. For a costume, he can be covered in some plaster or clay with pebbles stuck to him to show that he’s a wall. Then he can hold his fingers like this [He holds up his hand with two fingers split slightly apart], and Pyramus and Thisbe can whisper to each other through that crack.

QUINCE

If we do that, everything will be fine. Now sit down everyone and rehearse your parts. Pyramus, you start. When you've said your lines, go behind that bush as if it were a curtain offstage. Everyone else, do the same according to whether you should be on or offstage.

ROBIN

[To himself] Who are these country bumpkins making so much noise so close to the fairy queen's bed? What? Are they about to perform a play? I’ll be the audience. And I’ll act in it, too, if I see a reason to.

QUINCE

Speak, Pyramus. Thisbe, come forward.

BOTTOM

[As PYRAMUS] Thisbe, flowers with odious smelling sweet—

QUINCE

“Odors,” “odors.”

BOTTOM

[As PYRAMUS] —odors smelling sweet, are like your breath, my dearest Thisbe dear. But listen, a voice! Wait here for a moment, and I’ll be back soon!

ROBIN

[To himself] A stranger Pyramus has never been performed anywhere.

FLUTE

Should I talk now?

QUINCE

Yes, you should. You’re supposed to show that you think that Pyramus just went to check on a noise he heard and will soon come back.

FLUTE

[As THISBE] My shining Pyramus, you are as white as a lily, the color of a red rose on a splendid rosebush, a lively young man and also a lovely Jew, as trustworthy as a horse that never gets tired. I’ll meet you, Pyramus, at Ninny’s grave.

QUINCE

That’s “Ninus’ grave,” man. And also, don’t say that part yet, because you're supposed to say it to Pyramus. You just said all your lines at once, cues and all. Enter, Pyramus. You missed your cue. It’s “never gets tired.”

FLUTE

Oh! [As THISBE] As trustworthy as a horse that never gets tired.

BOTTOM

[As PYRAMUS] If I were handsome, my lovely Thisbe, I would still be entirely yours.

QUINCE

Oh! A monster! How strange! We’re being haunted. Pray, gentlemen! Run, gentlemen! Help!

ROBIN

I’ll follow you. I’ll lead you all in circles, through bogs, through bushes, through hedges, and through thorns. Sometimes I’ll take the shape of a horse, sometimes a dog or a pig or a headless bear. Sometimes I’ll be A fire! And I’ll neigh like a horse, bark like a dog, grunt like a pig, growl like a bear, and burn like a fire wherever you run.

BOTTOM

Why are they running away? This is some practical joke of theirs to try to scare me.

SNOUT

Oh, Bottom, you’ve been changed! What do you have on your head?

BOTTOM

What do you think I have on my head? You see something you've imagined with your own asinine head, right?

QUINCE

God bless you, Bottom, God bless you. You’ve been transformed.

BOTTOM

I see what joke they're trying to pull. They want to make an ass of me, to scare me if they can. But I won’t move from this spot, whatever they do. I’ll walk back and forth and sing a song so that they’ll hear me and know I’m not afraid.
[Singing]
The blackbird, so black in color
With an orange-and-tan beak,
The thrush with its beautiful voice,
The wren with its high piping voice—

TITANIA

[Waking up] What angel wakes me from my bed of flowers?

BOTTOM

[Singing]
The finch, the sparrow, and the lark,
The gray cuckoo with his unchanging song
Whose voice so many men hear
But don’t dare say no to it—
Indeed, who would try to win an argument with a stupid bird?
Who would say that a bird was lying, now matter how many times the bird called out that his wife was cheating on him?

TITANIA

Noble human, I beg you, sing again. My ears cannot get enough of your voice, and my eyes are entranced by your looks. Though this is the first time I have ever seen you, the power of your beauty compels me to swear that I love you.

BOTTOM

I don’t think you should have a good reason to love me. And yet, to be honest, reason and love are seldom found together these days. It’s a shame that some mutual friend of theirs doesn’t introduce them. Ha, I've been known to tell a joke from time to time.

TITANIA

You’re as wise as you are beautiful.

BOTTOM

That’s not true, either. But if I were wise enough to get out of this forest, I’d have all the wisdom I needed.

TITANIA

Please don't wish that you could leave this forest. You will stay here whether you want to or not. I’m not some ordinary fairy. The summer itself serves me as one of my followers. And I love you. So come with me. I’ll give you fairies to serve you, and they’ll bring you jewels from the ocean depths, and sing to you as you sleep on a bed of pressed flowers. And I’ll remove you from your physical body, so you will be a spirit of the air. Peaseblossom, Cobweb, Moth, and Mustardseed, come here!

PEASEBLOSSOM

Ready.

COBWEB

Me too.

MOTH

Me too.

MUSTARDSEED

Me too.

ALL

Where should we go?

TITANIA

Be kind and considerate to this gentleman. Follow where he walks. Run and jump joyfully where he can watch you. Feed him apricots and blackberries, along with purple grapes, green figs, and mulberries. Steal honey from the bumblebees, and make candles from beeswax taken from the bees' legs. Then light the candles with the fire from glowworms' eyes so that my love will have light when he goes to bed and wakes up. Pluck the wings from colorful butterflies, then use them to fan moonbeams away from his sleeping eyes. Fairies, bow and curtsy to him.

PEASEBLOSSOM

Hello, mortal!

COBWEB

Hello!

MOTH

Hello!

MUSTARDSEED

Hello!

BOTTOM

I beg your pardon, sirs, very much. Will you tell me your names, sirs?

COBWEB

Cobweb.

BOTTOM

I would like to get to know you better, good Mister Cobweb. If I cut my finger, I’ll use you as a bandage. And your name, good sir?

PEASEBLOSSOM

Peaseblossom.

BOTTOM

Please, give my regards to Mrs. Peapod, your mother, and to Mr. Peapod, your father. Good Mr. Peaseblossom, I’d like to get to know you better too. And now, may I ask what your name is, sir?

MUSTARDSEED

Mustardseed.

BOTTOM

Good Mr. Mustardseed, I know how you have patiently suffered, and how those cowardly, gigantic sides of beef have caused so many of your family members to get eaten. I promise you that many of your mustard relatives have made my eyes water before now. I'd like to get to know you better, good Mr. Mustardseed.

TITANIA

Serve him well, and lead him to the place I sleep. I think the moon looks sad, and when she cries, every little flower cries, lamenting the fact that they are forced to remain chaste. Make my lover stay quiet. Bring him to me in silence.