All the Bright Places

On the way to Violet’s house, Finch suggests epitaphs for people they know, like Amanda and Roamer. He asks what Violet’s epitaph would say. She says she doesn’t know, but her voice sounds faraway. She asks what Finch’s would be, and Finch says, “Theodore Finch, in search of the Great Manifesto.” He explains that this means he wants to count for something and “remain a memory.” Violet asks why he wasn’t in school on Friday, and Finch claims that he had a headache, which isn’t a total lie. His headaches aren’t normal headaches—his brain seems to go too fast, and he can see, hear, and feel everything. When he tried to tell Kate about it once, she suggested it was Finch’s dad’s fault for hitting him. Finch knows this isn’t true: his headaches are all part of his “godlike brain.”

Violet asks if Finch is okay now, and Finch studies her. He knows it’s impossible to keep people from going away or dying, and he knows that no one can keep him awake or stop him from sleeping. But he likes her. He says he thinks he’s okay.

When Finch gets home, he checks the landline voicemail. There’s a message from Mr. Embry informing Finch’s mom that Finch missed his Friday counseling session—and he’s concerned because he saw the Bartlett Dirt. Finch erases the message and then goes to his room to contemplate hanging. He’s too tall, unless he hangs himself in the basement—but then it might be months before his mom or sisters find him. Finch shares that hanging is a popular suicide method in the UK, since people think it’s quick and easy. But this isn’t actually true: if the rope isn’t the right length, it’s horrible. A judicial hanging, meanwhile, is known as “the Long Drop.”

Finch thinks a long drop is what it feels like to go to “Sleep.” He goes from Awake to Asleep all at once; everything stops. Sometimes there are warnings, like the headaches. Space starts to feel weird and loud. A few years ago, Finch asked his then-best friend Gabe Romero is he ever felt sound or saw headaches, or if he ever thought jumping in front of a car would make it stop. Finch had asked Roamer to try it with him because he thought he wasn’t real and was therefore invincible. But Roamer told his parents, and before long, everyone knew. Finch became Theodore Freak, and he’s never going to grow out of that label.

This is why Finch pretends to be normal, even though he knows he’s different. He tells himself it’s his own fault that he can’t be normal, like Roamer or Ryan. Finch stands on a chair, imagining the Asleep coming. He decides that his room is too big; small spaces are better. He moves furniture around to cut his room in half and make it smaller. Though Finch’s mom, Decca, and Kate are all home, nobody asks what he’s doing. The last time any of them were in Finch’s room was four years ago. He had the flu, and Kate took care of him.